BORDERLINE
PERSONALITY FORUM
www.GettinBetter.com
Borderline personality
traits can cause serious relationship difficulties. These
letters were originally posted to my advice Forum,
and I hope they'll be helpful to you. Avoid dangerous
entrapment; learn about borderline disordered females.
Hurting? Read this; AT
ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a
Borderline.
Is she a Waif? Leaving:
Breaking up with
a Borderline. If you've just been dumped, read
this. Learn about Borderline
Males.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~
Q.
Wow. I was browsing your website after doing a Google search
for BPD abuse, and landed on your 'Testimonials'
page. The way those people raved about your articles made me curious
enough to click on the links--and I must tell you, I've never come
across anything like them. You are a genius! Thank
you for making this information available for guys like me. You've
not only helped me learn about the Borderline--you have helped me
understand myself a lot better, and now I've got a roadmap. Thanks
again.
A.
My pleasure.
Q.
Dear Shari, I've just now came across your website by chance.
I went through the articles, and I related to a lot of the behaviors/characteristics
attributed to Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm a 28 year old
woman who grew up in an extremely unstable atmosphere. My dad's
been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and as far back as I
can remember, things were always in upheaval, and turbulent. We
witnessed/were exposed to physical, but mostly emotional abuse.
My mother tried to keep things together the best she could (there
were 5 children), but I recall my childhood alternating between
episodes of drama and neglect. I feel like I've always had some
sort of anxiety or personality disorder. At 11, I cut my hand with
a piece of glass, because I knew no other way to express the torrent
of emotions I felt, and I wanted to make my mother feel bad. At
age 23, my parents separated after my mom called the police during
one of his abusive bouts. That same year my eldest brother had a
breakdown, and was diagnosed with psychosis. Unable to deal with
these events, I overdosed on Tylenol and was admitted to the hospital.
My intention wasn't to kill myself (I've never felt like I wanted
to end my life) but I couldn't see any other way to deal with the
stress. My personal relationships have always been unstable--and
the thing I fear most and am realizing now, is that I've played
a huge part in that instability. My boyfriend of 6 yrs ended our
relationship in 2007. I was devastated--but quickly attached myself
to another man. In 2008 my ex came back, telling me that he'd made
a "huge mistake." For the past 9 months I've been in a
mental state, where I'm still seeing the new man, but am unable
to commit to either. I am wracked with self-doubt
and anxiety, and unable to make any decisions. I am frustrated with
myself for not being able to do so. At the same time, I am afraid
that one or both of these men will grow tired of waiting around
for me to sort out my issues, and will leave before I've made up
my mind. I'm at my wits end, and don't know how to help myself.
I know there's something that I need to work on--but I don't know
where to begin, or what to do. I don't trust my judgment and I feel
that anytime I get close to a decision, it's not the 'right' one
and that any choice will be wrong--since there's something wrong
with me. Please help.
A.
The first step toward getting better, is recognizing you
have a problem--which you've courageously done. You will have 'buyers
remorse,' no matter which man you select--and in either
case, your attachment issues will get in the way of a loving, harmonious
coupling (as evidenced by your romantic and familial history).
Get into some solid, core healing work
with a practitioner who specializes in treating narcissistic injury,
and the personality disorders that result from having had to survive
substantial emotional deficits early in life.
Q.
When do Borderlines terminate a relationship?
A.
Whenever the hell they want. There's no actual specific guideline
to help you prepare, but this typically happens after they've felt
especially close to you, or they've imagined that you're stepping
back a little. You're damned if you love them, and damned if you
don't--and this is the toughest part of being involved with one
of these individuals.
Q.
Do Borderlines ever feel guilt?
A.
No. Guilt and remorse involve examining one's own actions, and admitting
fault or failings--which Borderlines and Narcissists are too broken/fragile
to do. This excerpt is borrowed from my male
BPD piece: You can't initiate any conversations
about these disconcerting (relationship) changes that aren't turned
right back on you; "If you would only be more understanding,
patient, supportive, loving, etc., this relationship could be great."
You'll look for the grain of truth in his reasoning, because you're
an adult who's learned to pull your own covers off, and take responsibility
for your actions. But he'll never do this! You may occasionally
hear an "I'm sorry," although he's way too damaged and
narcissistic to admit any errors or shortcomings. Borderlines
are masterful at projection,
which makes You feel guilty for their screw-ups.
Q.
First, thank you for the information you have posted re Borderline
Personality women--I thought I was going crazy. My BPD ex-fiancee
has not returned the engagement ring. Engagement terminated 30 days
ago. She is financially well off and does not need the value of
the ring. Am I making a mistake contacting her, and requesting (for
the 2nd time) return of the ring? We're in our 50's. Second, I'd
like to say "I've figured you out. You are
a borderline personality." Some revenge would feel good--but
is this a no-brainer bad idea?
A.
Sorry 'bout the ring. That's just awful. Demonstrates the Borderline's
lack of integrity, particularly if she's the one who broke it off.
Don't hold your breath, m'dear. As you've asked for the ring once,
leave it alone--and find some way to come to terms with this (monetary)
loss--which is adding insult to injury, I'm sure. The more you convey
your need for this item, the more satisfaction (and control) she
gains by keeping it! You're much better off going no contact.
This lack of attention is interpreted as indifference, which disturbs
the Borderline far more than anything you could ever say
to them. They can always deflect your comments and project them
back onto you, but nobody can defend against utter silence. It sends
its very own, special and clear message.
Q.
My live in girlfriend and I were planning marriage and looking
at houses and she suddenly dumped me after 3 years together. I spent
4 weeks reading books and researching on the internet while she
still lived in my house and drove my car. My research began with
"adult survivor of sexual abuse" and I kept denying all
the links to BPD until I came across your article on the "waif
borderline." It was like finally seeing the recipe for some
meal I've been eating for 3 years--but had no idea how it was made.
That article shocked me, because of how accurate it was to my situation.
Some things were almost direct quotes! I still find it hard to believe.
Now I need to figure out how to heal from this and was wondering
if there is a book you could recommend about waif borderlines, or
another resource?
A.
There's little material written about the Borderline
Waif. Christine Lawson wrote Understanding the Borderline Mother,
which has a section on the Waif Mother. My articles are compiled
from direct/hands-on experience with these issues--so I'm sorry,
I can't guide you to more resources. Re-read that piece a few times,
and reference my other BPD articles and forums for more info on
this topic. You have a childhood template for this type of relationship--or
you wouldn't have been drawn to this female, or stayed for as long
as you have. Healing will probably require some therapeutic help.
Q.
Can I trust my Borderline girlfriend not to have any more affairs?
A.
Nope.
Q.
A guy that I know has started dating my ex-girlfriend who's
a Borderline. Should I warn him about her?
A.
Absolutely not! He'll find out soon enough on his own, and he won't
listen anyway--would you have,
during the Honeymoon phase of that relationship? If you're feeling
discarded and impotent/empty, it's far more critical to work on
building yourself back up and healing, than to keep focusing
on her life. Stop trying to save others, and concentrate
on saving yourself.
Q.
Shari, I've been trapped in a toxic friendship off and on for
the past 15 years. Each time I got fed up and separated myself,
she sucked me back in through guilt, martyrdom, etc. This last separation
started last February, and ever since our last Christmas contact,
we have not spoken. We have mutual friends, and ignore each other
at these group functions. The mutual friends haven't taken sides
and have not been included directly in this. Now, after last speaking
to each other, the toxic friend has returned a borrowed item to
me by giving it to a mutual friend to forward. Toxic friend had
to drive past my work and house to get to the mutual friend's house,
to return this item. She could have mailed it or left it on my porch,
saved time, and not involved the third person, in what I thought
was over between us. Now the ball is in my court. I thought that
friendship was over--but she's trying to suck me back in, like always.
What should I do?? Any help is appreciated. Thank you.
A.
Yes, it seems that your former friend is trying to suck you back
in. This is a passive
action to re-initiate contact. Ignore it.
Do not hit this ball back across the net,
engage in any dialogues with your other friends about it, or acknowledge
receipt of this item--unless directly contacted by this
person. IF that happens, keep it short and sweet; a simple Thank
You is sufficient--and then remove yourself from contact. I think
it would serve you to read my piece on the Borderline
Waif, as there may be emotional underpinnings that have kept
this relationship alive for so long, and had you returning for more,
even sensing it was toxic. This woman may seize on your non-response
as further reason to disparage and torment you--but hold firmly
to your decision to not re-engage.
Q.
Why do Borderlines have affairs?
A.
Because they can! The biggest problem here, is
that you continue to take them back. What have they got to lose
by cheating on you, if you're always willing to forgive
and forget? I write more about the underlying reasons for
triangulation,
within this forum and some of my BPD articles.
Q.
Hi Shari, I recently broke up with my borderline girlfriend
of 3 years. While she hasn't been officially diagnosed, her behavioral
patterns exemplify the borderline symptoms to a tee. My therapist,
who is well versed in the disorder, confirmed this. I recently found
out that she left me for a married man, yet she continues to text
me, at least once a week. I have no idea why she won't leave me
alone, and I don't have the heart to tell her to stop yet. In any
event I still care about her and would love to at least put forth
the idea that she get help. Should I even bother making the suggestion,
or cut her out of my life completely? I'm seriously leaning toward
the latter.
A.
Go with your gut, and follow your latter inclination. I'm
sensing you need to feel that you still matter to her--but
this attention she's giving you is all about her need to escape
her emptiness/deadness,
and feed her narcissism. In short, it has nothing to do with You!
Stop hitting this ball back across the net, dig deeper with your
own therapy, and be sure to read this
article.
Q.
My BPD girlfriend keeps pushing me away, and then pulling me
back. This is driving me nuts! Is there any way to break the cycle?
A.
No. This is standard for borderline pathology, the mechanics
of which are explained in this
article. Learn about the Borderline/Narcissist
attraction.
Q.
I've read your article on Borderline
men, and I take great exception to your statement near the end,
where you state that if a guy gives a woman his phone number without
asking for hers, he's afraid of rejection, insecure or not interested.
I'm a male in my 60's now, and have done this virtually all my life
without consequence. I think it's wrong of you to generalize about
such things, and make these bold statements that aren't based in
fact.
A.
You are welcome to your opinions about my material, and
yourself. Have you been married during the course of all these years?
I have no judgment on this either way--but if you haven't, the reasons
might be congruent with this paradigm. As a younger woman, I spent
significant time in the company of males. They were my closest friends,
and I learned a lot about how men think and behave. Based
on this personal research--and the likelihood that I've dated considerably
more men than you, I'm gonna defer to my take on this--but
feel free to prove me wrong.
Q.
Shari, I highly disagree with your notions that women who get
pregnant and keep a baby without
the father's consent, all have Borderline Personality
Disorder. I dated a guy for a year and he told me many lies, including
"I love you, lets have a baby, I want to have sex with you
without a condom." after I finally complied, I got pregnant--and
a few months later he left, and then got a lawyer to wage war against
me, because he decided to go back to his ex-gf and didn't want to
pay me child support. I have done nothing wrong except trust him.
There are many women who are similarly treated and manipulated this
way, and many men who shirk responsibility on a sexual whim. I presume
you must at least be aware of this fact. Your bold, black and white
insulting comments sound ignorant, judgemental and misogynistic.
By publicizing these types of comments, you are allowing and enabling
men to think its okay to get away with this behavior. You're not
relieving this syndrome, you are perpetuating it. The fact remains
pretty simple: Everyone is responsible for their own lives; if you
are a man and you don't want to have a child or pay support then
wear a condom and take precautions if you have sex. Knowing the
laws on this, men still disregard then raise a stink, because they
don't want to be responsible for their actions, and THAT is criminal.
The laws are there for the best interest of the child. No matter
what the circumstance, the child SHOULD have support from both parents.
You seem like a fairly intelligent lady. STOP BEING SO SHORT SIGHTED.
A.
My article contains a disclaimer, which clearly
addresses your concern about "all women" and unwed pregnancy--but
you've apparently skipped that paragraph. You are absolutely
right; "everyone is responsible for their own
lives," so
what do you think got in the way of setting
healthy boundaries for yourself, and saying; "no glove,
no love"--or at the very least, getting some reliable
birth control?? If
you had a daughter from this union, what advice would you give her
on the subject of contraception? If you have a son, how will you
feel about someone undermining him like this? Grow up,
dear.
Q.
I read your response, and again, I reiterate that you are enabling
and perpetuating this syndrome. You really expect me, or my hypothetical
daughter never to trust ANY man? You are an old lady--I suggest
YOU grow up. You are saying that women are the only ones who should
be held responsible for this situation, and for a woman to say that
is extremely disturbing and I have no doubt you have some serious
mental disturbances of your own. It's just a shame you choose to
publicize your twisted views. I just hope that people are realistic
enough to see how ludicrous your views are. By the way, I do not
consent to any of my emails being posted publicly, and I request
that you take down the first email.
A.
What, and deprive my other visitors of this? Surely you
jest. (This girl's derisive emails haven't stopped
coming to my inbox. They're full of name calling, projections
and devaluations. These behaviors, plus cyber-stalking
are typical borderline traits. She's been advised that all future
emails will be deleted, unopened.)
Q.
Just wanted to send you a BIG thanks for your article; AT
ANY COST, as it's helped me get through a really rough time.
Being a clinical psychologist, I kept believing that I could help
my lover. Over the many years we've been together, I've taken her
back every time she's had affairs with other men--and even, a few
pregnancies along the way. I just couldn't accept that she was so
damaged and unreachable, that trying to save our relationship was
a lost cause. I'm currently confronting this brutal reality--but
it hurts, and I'm obsessing about what I might have done differently,
to make us stronger as a couple. I'm aware I need to move on from
this--but at present, I'm feeling ashamed and broken, and it's begun
affecting my work. Can you help?
A.
Glad my Borderline material has helped. Read this
article, then phone me.
Q.
How do I break up with a Borderline?
A.
There must be 50
ways to leave your lover--but what's most important for you,
is accepting that while you cannot control the outcome,
you can control the
action. Very likely, you've been putting another's needs before
your own, much of your life--which makes leaving this person a nearly
impossible task. Be kind--say something like; "I care about
you, and I'm very sorry--but this isn't a solid fit for me now"
and then break the contact, so that both of you
can move on, and start to heal. In short, just do it.
Q.
Hello Shari, late last night I came across your article. It's
weird, because I was trying to get to sleep and I was tossing and
turning when I jumped online and typed in this Google search, that
directed me right to your page. It has helped me big time!
It may be my daily mantra until things get better with me, AT
ANY COST! A borderline came into my life about 8 months ago,
and it's been a roller coaster. Your article hit home so hard, it
was almost like it was written for me, by me! I have read it half
a dozen times in the last 24 hrs, and each time brings me some relief.
I really thought I was all fucked up, and my ability to love again
was in grave danger. You've left me with some hope, and I'll continue
to love myself enough not to fall into another web like this. I
really want to trust and fall in love, and I thought "this
was the one." I should have run for the hills! I was always
bombarded with accusations about past relationships and going back
to someone I haven't been with for years! Never did I have a clean
slate with this one; she constantly accused me of taking off someday,
and not being able to commit. When I traveled for work (which I
had to do frequently) I battled daily rounds of accusations--like
I was always doing something wrong. But when things were good they
were awesome, and I thought I really loved her.
Shari, thanks to your words and my totally relating to every detail
you wrote, I had shivers down my spine. I could have never thought
this was possible, or that I'd be a victim of this person. I have
one question; I got fairly close to my borderline's sister, and
I've been yearning to share my thoughts and concerns in order to
help her somehow. If none of her past victims are doing this, how
will she ever get better? Should I even care? I want to help her.
Am I still affected--and should I just try to walk away?
A.
Yes, you are "still affected." Walk away--and read this
article to help you do it!
Q.
Are close friendships important to Borderlines?
A.
For many, they are--but connections are always on the Borderline's
terms, and he/she must control their dynamic. Borderlines are incapable
of genuine empathy, so relationships are seldom reciprocal--even
if they're codependent caregivers. For the Borderline, 'friendship'
means; "you'll always be there to meet my
needs."
Q.
I just wanted to let you know, I recently found your website in
my attempts to help a man struggling with his borderline personality
new wife (and new
baby) and that you have the best information I've ever seen
on this issue, as well as most others and combined mental health
challenges. Your site is really for everyone; for people struggling
and their families, and for therapists and counselors who aim to
be of meaningful help and service. Thank you for your knowledge,
wisdom, holistic approach, practical advice, frankness and courage.
You are amazing. An LSW in Philadelphia, PA
A.
You're welcome. It means a lot when helping professionals like yourself,
find this material valuable/useful.
Q.
Hi Shari, I'm a 37 year old from Australia, just writing to
thank you for your articles on BPD--they've helped me immensely,
to come to terms with my break up of 5 months ago. I have been racked
with all the emotions you describe in your articles, and reading
about this has lifted some of these out of my insides. You truly
are an inspiration to me. With an 8 year old boy to look after,
you have helped me to (finally) start my progress toward healing.
My question is, how much work is needed for me, and what specific
areas would you recommend I change, as to why I'm attracted to these
women? I need to change these patterns, as I've had approximately
3 relationships with textbook Borderline women. I'm feeling scared
and traumatized, and definitely can't go through anymore of these.
A. Unresolved pain from childhood has very strongly influenced your
romantic choices, and you're still carrying this early trauma. As
an adult, you presume you have the capacity to interact with these
women and get your needs met, in ways you could not
with your parent. In essence, you're subconsciously trying to rewrite
history--but choosing the same
person over and over, to do it with--which of course, never
works. Resolving these issues requires self-esteem repair, which
definitely makes for healthier partner selection.
Q.
Hi Shari, my hubby is a borderline
- I try not to breathe his air. We have a thriving business together,
and I do all the sales. I don't think leaving him is an option,
since it would disrupt continuity with customers, to accomplish
it. I have been keenly aware that he's built a fortress (prison)
knowing that I'm so security minded--in other words, won't let me
hire anyone to help me sell (controlling). Most of the day is free
for him to roam, though I am not wholly convinced he cheats. He
claims his high blood pressure keeps him from being amorous (for
the past 3 years) but spends large chunks of time away from the
house in mid-day, and rarely lets me know his whereabouts. He demonstrates
a sense of entitlement, but the worst is when he does the rage thing,
while I'm trying to conduct business. I have a warehouse and land
with him, so he figures I won't leave. I'm 50, and feel hard pressed
to begin anew. The question is, how best can I inoculate myself
and live my own happy life in quiet non-desperation? He deserves
to be cheated on, but I'm not the type. Maybe I just need help to
strengthen my resolve to leave. What da ya think?
A. My dear lady, I believe you may be closer to desperation than
you think you are at this time--and if you aren't, perhaps
you should be. It appears you've already determined your
priorities, and I truly hope they serve you. Masochism and heavy
denial come across in your letter. Since you've ignored my advice
of 5 months ago when you first wrote me about these issues
(and your 'hubby's' enmeshment with his mother), it seems you want
to maintain this toxic dynamic. Just be advised, that your
health could be at serious risk if you stay--and no amount
of money in the world, is worth that. You don't have to
disrupt a business, just because you dissolve a marriage. I believe
you will need help to leave, but it'll
require more than an online reply.
Q.
Dear Shari, first, I would like to thank you for the articles
you've written on Borderline Personality Disorder, but I just wanted
to ask why you always write your articles purely aimed at female
borderlines, and not males? I understand the one relating to the
issue of borderlines using pregnancy as a trap/hoover, obviously.
I dated a Borderline male and it was devastating, as most female
'nons' would attest to. It would have been good to have our
experiences recognized and validated too.
A.
You're welcome. Google Roger Melton, M.A., and read about borderline
men. My earliest article was Blackmailed
into Fatherhood. There was such resounding response to this
topic, it kept growing, and took on a life of its own. Creative
expression springs from passion; each of my articles is born from
a passionate response to a specific issue. Sorry you felt this subject
was handled unevenly. I've been hearing from females who've switched
the gender in my BPD articles, realized they were with Borderlines,
and asked for help. Post Script: Due to
popular demand, my article on borderline
men is now available.
Q.
What's the best therapeutic approach for Borderline Personality
Disorder? I've heard that DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) helps--is
this true?
A.
At the root of Borderline Disorder is core injury, which leaves
one with serious emotional/spiritual wounds to their sense of worth/lovability.
These injuries are very central to how someone orchestrates his/her
relationships, because at the baseline of this disorder is fear
of attachment, abandonment terror, shame, etc., which triggers all
the acting-out behaviors or defenses. I view BPD far more
as trauma to one's psyche and spirit, than a behavioral issue. DBT
may help curb some of the violent/volatile behaviors, but it can't
mend the core wounds; it's sort of like treating the symptoms
of a disease, but ignoring the cause. In my experience, what's most
effective is nurturing, patient, long-term, therapeutic care that
compensates for the deficits left by dysfunctional parenting--while
providing nourishing and corrective emotional experiences, that
help the client steadily grow beyond where they're trapped
developmentally--which is usually between three to thirteen years
of age.
Q.
My girlfriend's been pressuring me for a commitment. Our relationship
has been great on so many levels, I'm open to moving forward. We've
been talking about living together as the next step--but now
she's telling me she wants to date others! I'm very confused and
hurt by this, and don't know how to handle it. Why'd she need me
to commit, if she wanted to be with other men? I just don't get
it.
A.
It sounds like your girlfriend may have attachment issues. She's
wanted you closer--but as soon as you're more available, she apparently
needs to distance. She could have Borderline
Personality features, which means she's ambivalent about
real closeness/connection, and you should proceed with extreme
caution. Pay attention to any 'come here/go away' behaviors that
echo what you've described above; these issues are likely to intensify
during the course of this relationship.
Q.
I am so glad I found your website! I've been involved with a
BPD off and on now for about seven years, and found myself self-destructing
to the point that I have little or no motivation to be involved
with other women. After being divorced from a 23 year marriage,
I found myself living the best personal and professional life ever
for about 3 years--with no end in sight. When we met, I avoided
showing any outward attraction, even though the opposite was true.
I "ran" from her so to speak, but she kept showing up--until
next thing I knew, we were spending a lot of time together and in
3 months (against my better judgement) we got married. I could not
believe all the attention and adoration I received--I'd never felt
that way in my life and was overwhelmed with the rush of 'good luck'
I had in finding someone who loved me so much! She would say; "I
love you like my own child with all my heart--and we will never
ever be apart." The first two years were the best ever, and
then one day it seemed to start changing. Small things that initially
seemed to go away--but then the conflicts didn't make any sense
to me. Then she left me, and began an off and on again relationship.
When we got back together it would be great for a few months, and
then the cycle would repeat. She convinced me that it was my fault,
and all I had to do was change and everything would be great--although
what I gave up or changed was never enough! After separation and
divorce (four years ago) she began showing back up about every three
months, almost like she knew when I was getting
along just fine without her--I even broke up with a girl, to go
back to her. Anyway, can you tell me why she shows back up--and
even though I know better, I can't seem to say "no" to
her? I really want to move on, and get my self-confidence back.
I want a good relationship with someone new--but I feel damaged
and afraid to try again. Thank you.
A.
Borderlines simply do what borderlines
do. In the process, they reactivate early sense
memories and ego wounds from boyhood. These pleasurable and
painful sensations are remnants of early attachment difficulties
with Mother, which are seldom remembered--but leave you with impaired
self-esteem. My work with borderline battered men helps them overcome
their trauma and confusion, and heal. Their ability to make healthier
relational choices is a by-product of this process. You've been
'shooting in the dark' emotionally for awhile, which has
trapped you in this frustrating cycle. Gaining insight about your
compulsive draw to this female, and building genuine self-confidence
is key to forming solid, gratifying attachments.
Q.
Dear Shari, I've read your piece on helping men with their relationships
with women who have borderline personality disorder, and I'm disgusted
with the language and misogyny in this article! As a healing professional,
you should know better, than to vilify BPD people by frightening
emotionally immature and ill-equipped men into seeking your counsel
to assist with their own ineptitude in managing adult relationships.
Being borderline is no fun at all! No one in their
right mind would choose BPD as a lifestyle option! It's just utterly
ludicrous that one with BPD could bring such chaos into the life
of another human being, without their complicit consent to these
actions. If these men you're helping can't walk away from what you
call, "a destructive relationship," then I think it's
not the Borderline who has the bigger problem, but your very frightened
male clients. As you state in your article, fellows jump in to these
relationships because they are seduced by alluring, sexy, intelligent
women. My goodness--what an almighty cop-out you've provided these
emotional cripples, who seemingly need you to assist them in building
strategies to 'cope' with women in their lives who are supposedly
so 'controlling.' You've got to be kidding! The real
threat here is men's inability to think outside their shorts, and
value women's inherent qualities--rather than objectifying them
for their sexual, sensual allure. And since when did being an intelligent,
funny, articulate, sexy and alluring woman become # 1 on the male
misogyny hit list? Oh no Ms. Shari, I think you are very
mistaken in your views, and sincerely hope that others
will see your prejudice and bias, which is obvious. You write for
the literacy of teenagers, because many who are attracted to your
views are simply grown men who continue to avoid adulthood. Let
me be more explicit: These men you dearly champion, are adolescents
in adult bodies--that is all. You might instead use your talents
and abilities (open to debate) for assisting people with borderline
personality, rather than vilifying them. I'm bringing your site
to the attention of the NHMRC, stigma watch. Regards, BPD
A.
Bring it on. I have in fact, worked with Borderlines and
helped them heal; these women were deeply committed to becoming
healthy and whole, rather than clinging to their victimhood.
Q.
Been in a marriage with an abusive
borderline for over twenty years; I'm making moves to get out,
but kids and financial worries are playing heavily on my mind. I'm
a rescuer type who became ensnarled into her web of push/pull emotional
gymnastics right after losing a previous girlfriend in a car crash.
Looking back, I'm pretty sure she orchestrated my first child's
'conception,' because I was ready to leave. She's intelligent, pretty
etc., but the lies, manipulation, violent behaviour and years of
brainwashing have left their mark on me. My self-esteem is pretty
low right now, and I have no friends or family for support (she's
managed to surgically pare away any competing emotional attachments).
I've been suffering from depression--and apparently, this is a pretty
common symptom of staying in an abusive relationship. I know that
she may respond to my leaving with violence--but leaving her is
a risk I am willing to take (I have had guns pointed at me, been
hit with a guitar, had threats to be poisoned or smothered in my
sleep, etc.). Thanks for exposing this issue for what it is, and
also for ignoring the political gender bias intrinsic to marital
abuse issues. Reading the accounts of other men in my situation
is really helpful to me, and makes me feel a little less isolated.
PS: please don't respond by e-mail, as she reads it. (no surprise
here, I'm sure).
A.
Your request is being honored. Thanks for your valuable
contribution.
Q.
Are Borderlines capable of intimacy?
A.
Intimacy is possible--but sustaining it isn't.
There are times that you'll feel a deep bond or sense of connection
with a Borderline, which is partly why they're so compelling!
Unfortunately, the closer you get, the more attachment anxiety
they experience--which triggers their need to distance. This raises
your frustration and confusion, because the emotional ground keeps
shifting (like a series of little earthquakes). It's normal/natural
for you to begin guarding your emotions to feel safer,
which makes them act-out even more--but this cycle will repeat despite
your actions.
Q.
Any advice on dating a man who's been destroyed by women with
BPD?
I've been seeing a man for 8 months but can't get close to him,
because everything I say or do seems manipulative, controlling or
psychotic. I'm in therapy so it doesn't drive me absolutely crazy
and I start to believe it. It takes a toll on my self-worth after
while. This is a LONG horrible process. The ex-girlfriend didn't
even stop harassing us until 3 months ago, and she still tries to
make contact. Please help if you can.
A.
Honey, a love relationship is supposed to be enhancing
to your life! What makes you want to be with someone
who's so untrusting and damaged, you can't get close to
him? I'm pretty certain this article will have meaning and value
for you; www.GettinBetter.com/needlove.html.
Make sure you read the final paragraph.
Q.
If a borderline's issues are mostly related to rejection and
abandonment, then why wouldn't the behaviors mitigate--or at least
get better, once she'd gotten the next guy (rebound relationship)
to actually marry her? Wouldn't his committing
to her in this way, allay these abandonment fears?
A.
The Borderline psyche is extremely intricate and fragile; attachment
is terrifying, because it means having to be vulnerable, and surrender
control. They want you close, but not too close--hence,
their come here, go away behavior. It's only after they
perceive you as their 'emotional mainstay,' that the distancing
and/or abusing behaviors begin. This could take some time, but it
typically starts after an episode of special closeness or connection,
after marriage, after pregnancy occurs, after the first baby arrives,
etc.
Q.
My borderline ex-girlfriend lives out of state, but won't leave
me alone! She keeps calling, text messaging and emailing me. I've
been ignoring these until a few days ago, when she left a voicemail
saying she was "worried" about me, and needed to know
if I'm okay. I sent a brief email saying that I was fine--which
seems to have set off a flurry of new calls. If she's really concerned
about me, why'd she throw me away--and immediately hook up with
another guy?!
A.
This is typical Borderline Personality behavior. Be thankful that
you've only been cyber-stalked, as Borderlines can show
up unexpectedly at your work or home. Continue to disregard these
efforts to engage you. As you've noticed, hitting the ball back
across this net, only fuels her hopes that she can lure you back
again, when it suits her. This recent call of 'concern' was about
her needs, not yours. This attention may feel flattering/comforting--but
it's also tormenting, which prevents you from healing and
moving on. Send one last email if you wish, asking her not to contact
you again. She'll have difficulty respecting this boundary, but
you'll at least have let her know where you stand. Eventually,
she'll tire of trying to get your attention, and may use some dramatic
tactics beforehand, but don't give into them. No
response is usually the best.
Q.
Shari, why are personality disordered people more prone to having
affairs or cheating on their partners?
A.
There's an old saying within the psychological community; "A
three legged table is more stable than a two legged one." It's
tough to maintain healthy intimacy or relational stability
with people who are personality disordered. Borderline and narcissistic
individuals fear attachment/closeness; they may try to manage this
concern with triangulation--which
means that a behavior, substance or another person is used to distract
from any difficult feelings the primary relationship invokes. Diversions
often take the form of working longer hours, abusing alcohol/drugs/food,
getting a new pet, bringing a baby into their dynamic or
having affairs. Essentially, anything that diverts focus from the
couple's connection, eases tension and attachment anxiety.
Q.
I have apparently been dating a (Waif)
Borderline. After noticing some troubling inconsistencies
in her behaviors and doing internet research to understand them,
I came across your pages. Your descriptions are incredibly astute--and
it's eerie that you've nailed (with such accuracy), how I've been
feeling in this relationship! This validation has helped me tremendously,
but being a "rescuer" type, I don't want to give up on
this woman just yet. Does it make sense to stay, and attempt to
work through our various difficulties?
A.
Dear Sir, this depends on your threshold for emotional
pain, turmoil and frustration. Here's my sense of these things;
as long as this prize is worth the price you're paying
to remain, you'll probably stick around. Just be aware that you're
consciously choosing to be with someone who's highly unstable;
it tends to be contagious!
Q.
Shari, your articles are so helpful! I've recently ended my
relationship with a Borderline female. I'm beginning to regain my
balance--but I still miss her, and keep wondering if I've made a
terrible mistake. She has continued to make me feel like this failure
was all my fault--and if I'd loved her "a
little better" (which meant marrying her), we'd still be together.
This is really haunting me, and my greatest fear (and torment) is
that she's right, and I've too easily given up on something that
had great value to me. Help!
A.
Every man who has consulted me after his involvement with a Borderline
expresses exactly what you have here, which is
why this issue's discussed in my article.
Borderlines cannot hold or retain loving gestures. Think of a drinking
well that has a huge fracture at the bottom; you keep pouring
water in, but the well never fills up. Shame is the Borderline's
primary emotional state; when she berates you for not giving, doing
or being enough, she's projecting her own shame onto you,
and making you feel what she's lived with her entire life.
At a core level, Borderlines feel unworthy of being loved;
the more you demonstrate affection and caring, the less they respect
you. Rejecting you eases their terror surrounding attachment and
abandonment, and helps them maintain a sense of emotional safety.
Marrying this kind of woman usually exacerbates this terror,
and invites more acting-out behavior. Even if you'd loved her "better"
(in her mind), this relationship would've had precisely
the same outcome.
Q.
Can Borderlines ever be healed?
A.
Yes, some can. Within a nurturing, supportive/safe, long-term therapeutic
alliance, borderline disordered people can begin trusting
another with their care. In my view, this requires considerable
re-parenting work, which is best accomplished with a therapist who
has deep compassion and understanding of core trauma, and the emotional
scars (and defenses) that remain. With patience and time,
these clients develop a stronger foundation/core, which enables
trust in themselves and their ability to form healthier
attachments.
Q.
My boyfriend just sent me your article on Borderlines, and I'm
shocked by your insensitivity and lack of professionalism!
This is a very serious disorder, and if you'd done any worthwhile
research on this topic (which you obviously haven't), you'd understand
how difficult it is to live with. Your article's garbage diagnosis
makes borderline women sound like monsters! Do you have any idea
how harmful and destructive this is to someone who actually suffers
with it? I think you're being incredibly irresponsible, when you
give men ammunition to shirk their responsibilities for an unwanted
pregnancy, by assuming that their partners are borderline disordered.
With so much information on the web about BPD, I'd think you would
educate yourself before publishing such trash!
A.
No comment.
Q.
Dear Shari, just had to drop you a line to say how much I appreciated
reading your article in regards to a relationship with a borderline
woman. I felt as if my
own story had been told with such clarity, and it was comforting
to realize that I'm far from alone in this situation. It's truly
something one has to experience in order to believe--and perhaps
that's where it often gets difficult to handle, as others really
can't appreciate the reality we're forced to confront. Keep up the
great work. D. Winnipeg Canada
A.
I'm pleased the article was helpful, and your feedback is appreciated.
My work feels especially worthwhile, when men like you relate to
this material, and discover they're not alone in their struggle.
Q.
Wow. You just changed my life. As my Borderline Personality
Disordered wife of 12 years (1st child out of wedlock) picked up
speed (behaviors became more severe) I could only take notes on
her patterns, because I was shocked and couldn't understand them.
Typing in my palm pilot distracted me from the pain and helped me
vent. Then I noticed a pattern in what I was observing,
and I researched it on the internet. The psychologist who counseled
us as a couple said: "Yeah, she's a borderline--I knew that
a long time ago." I believe he thought I wasn't ready to hear
it, or I'd ruin everything by telling my wife. Forums on the internet
have helped me cope, and explain to my 12 and 5 year olds how to
avoid conflicts and explosions. Well really, it can't be avoided
I guess. I really feel that you have wisdom beyond everything I
have seen on the borderline personality. Just reading your descriptions,
I could feel your soul. I am desperate and don't know what to do.
My wife is 48 and I am 36. I was fooled. I am stuck. I feel I'll
never enjoy my life, and that any other lady I would try to marry,
this one will torture too! I am concerned about my kids,
and I don't know what the hell to do. At the same time, I am not
sure I'm ready to do whatever it is, that needs to be done. I am
still naive, and a prisoner with my two children. The encouragement
from your web pages may push me on to a higher level. So, so scary.
A. Your letter is heartbreaking, like dozens of others I've received
concerning this issue. I've been re-editing and expanding this Borderline
article, and these changes have been posted. I'm so sorry for your
difficulty, but what you must remember, is that
you have options--even though it feels (right now) like
you don't. We should talk.
Q.
Is it true, that all Borderlines lacked a connection
with their mother?
A. No. What's true, is that a healthy/sound connection
wasn't possible. A Borderline's relationship with his/her mother
can be enmeshed, if the child wasn't allowed to separate/individuate
successfully. Borderline disordered women might intentionally
conceive, in order to compensate for childhood abandonment
trauma; their (misguided) fantasy that a baby will love them unconditionally
and never leave, is met with disappointment and rage once
he/she starts to develop, form peer relationships and discover their
own separate interests. In the 2005 movie Loverboy,
Kyra Sedgwick gives us a terrific performance, as an enmeshed Borderline
mother. She's smothering, controlling and seductive; she continually
over-inflates her child's ego, to defend against her own deficits/shortcomings.
These types of mothers are emotionally incestuous--which keeps their
children entwined, dependent and ambivalent/confused about appropriate
emotional boundaries. The daughter of a woman with borderline traits
may think of her mom as her best friend. If she
"shares everything" with her mother, she may
not have been able to acquire an autonomous sense of Self, which
undermines adult attachments. Enmeshment issues are common
with women who've given birth too young, particularly when addictions
are/were present. Basically, their kids grow up having to 'parent'
the mother, and miss out on being parented. Having been
prematurely inducted into adulthood, they've skipped the normal
stages of their development, which has them drawn to codependent
relationships and addiction issues of their own.
Q.
I've been unable to find an answer to this question, so I'm
hoping that you can help. My fiance is divorced from a woman with
Borderline Personality Disorder. They have two daughters (8 and
12). Unfortunately, since he's in the military she has primary physical
custody, and she's chosen to live on a different continent. Her
borderline acting-out behaviors include refusing him visitation
periods with the kids, and parental alienation. He's been to court
to address these problems with some success on the visitation issues
(limited by her subsequent behaviors) but little success on the
alienation. Neither his ex-wife nor the kids know about me. In light
of our research on BPD
and the tremendous problems his ex has caused with the kids, we
chose not to fuel the situation by telling her of my existence until
it was necessary. Given the distance between him and the kids, this
has not been a problem. The one time my fiance got visitation, I
stayed out of sight. We plan to be married next spring, and neither
of us find it acceptable that I should move out while the kids visit
for two months in the summer. My question is, what is the best way
to tell everyone? Everything I've read says to tell an ex about
a new spouse, so they can help prepare the kids. However, I have
also read that (all) ex's have difficulties when their former spouses
remarry, and that borderlines escalate these difficulties to massive
proportions. Given her past behavior, I'm sure his ex will refuse
him visitation this summer, and escalate the alienation to unfathomable
new heights, if she's informed of me before the kids arrive. On
the other hand, I think it would be really hard on the kids to meet
me for the first time as their new stepmom, who they'll have to
cohabitate with for the next two months! Forgetting everyone else's
desires and well-being in this equation - what would be best for
the kids?
A.
You are very right to be concerned about how these kids
will react to this news. Your fiance should initially pick up his
daughters by himself when they arrive, and broach this
topic as sensitively as possible. This can occur during a stop-off
for some refreshments, as they're traveling on their way back to
your home. It's important that you think of yourself as your husband's
new wife, as opposed to the children's "new
stepmom." This will help diffuse the situation in your own
mind, and allow for a healthier getting acquainted period
with the girls. Be authentic and kind with them, and they'll probably
come to trust and like you. It appears they'll be having to adjust
to being with two strangers, so your understanding
and empathy are critical here. There's little that's more
comforting for children to observe, than a warm, loving relationship
between two adults--especially when they're accustomed
to living in a war zone.
Q.
My mother is very difficult to approach when something's bothering
me about our relationship--she becomes defensive, angry or sad,
and shuts down. Sometimes, she won't speak to me for weeks at a
time, and other times she criticizes me on how ("poorly")
I run my life. The result is, I always feel guilty/bad
about upsetting her, and we can never seem to work through any problems.
I love my mom, but I've learned that maintaining some distance feels
safer/better for me. At times, she'll want to know what's going
on in my life, but I've become very cautious about what I tell her.
I'm usually sorry for having opened up, so I guess I've learned
not to. I'd really like us to be closer, but don't know how to go
about this. Any thoughts?
A.
Your mom's reactions sound consistent with parents who have narcissistic
and/or borderline traits. When you approach something she perceives
to be a criticism, it may trigger a shame response,
due to unresolved wounds from her childhood. In a sense, you've
unwittingly stepped on an old (but active) land
mine, which actually has very little to do with you! A
couple of things usually occur when this happens: 1) She'll tend
to react the same way her mother did,
which made her fear
and avoid open/honest dialogue. 2) These painful
feelings that are left over from her childhood will be
directed toward you, instead of where they belong!
This can make you feel like you're walking
on eggshells in this relationship, which always derails
closeness and intimacy. Convey to her what you've shared with me.
Handle this directly or in a note if necessary, and allow that she
might have strong feelings about it. However she responds
or reacts, you may choose to take it in, but do not take it
on; in other words, stay with your feelings.
If there's no response to your communication, you could
try again--but you may ultimately have to come to terms with these
limitations. In any case, solid therapeutic support can be very
helpful with these issues.
Q.
Hello Shari, I found your article on Borderline Personality
Disorder through the link you sent with recent comments on Glenn
Sacks' blog. The information you share on that page is absolutely
fantastic! For years, I've heard men on our helpline
describe these behaviors and characteristics in the women they're
living with or have separated from, and it would be helpful to our
website visitors to read your article. Would you allow us to link
to it on our website? Here is the url: www.dahmw.org.
A.
Absolutely! A close (male) friend once said; "when
a woman hits a man, she's playing a man's game, and men
react instinctively to violence." This is
not to excuse or condone violence to
women, but far too many males have been physically and
emotionally abused by
personality disordered women, who lack impulse control,
and any sense of boundaries.
Q.
Shari, do borderlines easily detach from relationships?
Your article seems to indicate otherwise.
A.
Emotional cut-off is one of the common characteristics of this personality
disorder. Generally, your relationship with a borderline feels either
engulfing or abandoning, and this keeps shifting. At times,
they may be very clingy and needy--and other times, they're rejecting,
detached or indifferent. Borderlines can leave relationships (of
any kind) abruptly. Essentially, their
terror surrounding abandonment may prompt them to leave
you, before you can do it to them. Some never attempt further
contact--but many try to reconnect with former romances; the reasons
for this are detailed here.
Q.
I've read your article on Borderlines (several times), but I'm
still confused about why men stay with these women,
despite the conflicts and difficulties they face. Are they masochistic
or something?
A.
Borderlines can be irresistibly attractive, seductive/alluring
and engaging. Men find them compelling, but an emotionally sound
man tends to recognize an unhealthy dynamic pretty quickly, and
(despite temptations to remain) can disengage and move
on. A man with narcissistic traits views this "extraordinary"
lover as a perfect reflection of himself and his worth.
His grandiose nature makes him think he can "fix" the
problems, and/or rescue this woman from her troubles. This attitude
might be based on former romances with healthier (or more malleable)
women, who didn't present such frustrating challenges. Falsely
confident that deficits or difficulties with this woman
can also be rectified, he continues striving for that which cannot
be achieved (you can't have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional
person). Furthermore, he's able to side-step his own attachment/engulfment
fears by pursuing someone who's equally afraid of getting
too close. His compulsion to stay and change
his beloved, stems from early childhood.
This is very common among males who derived their sense of self-worth
and empowerment by taking on a mediating, fixing or rescuing role
within their family of origin.
Q.
In some of your writings, you mention the "Borderline Waif."
I never knew there were several types of Borderlines! How is the
'waif' different from other (abusive) types described in books like,
Mommy Dearest?
A.
The Borderline Waif seldom (if ever) exhibits the harsh or volatile
traits we've come to associate with other types, which is often
why this disorder is overlooked by therapists. Waifs appear needful,
fragile and victimized by life circumstances and relationships,
and you could feel compelled to rescue them from their troubles!
How Borderline Waifs interpret their difficulties can actually
perpetuate their struggle, like believing they've fallen prey to
a sort of karmic retribution; "I must have done something
really bad in a past life, to deserve this!" When relationships
fail, it's always considered the other's fault. The
Waif mother makes her children feel responsible for her
survival, well-being and mood. If Waifs engage therapeutic
support, it's typically in the midst of a crisis; given they're
inherently resistant to change or growth (which threatens their
sense of control), their progress in therapy tends to be slow, and
there are frequent setbacks and regressions. Helplessness
is the Waif's core theme, so choices and options that are healthier
or more productive, are frequently avoided. Maybe you've had a friend
or lover who's always struggling with one drama or another, and
you've repeatedly offered sound suggestions and tried to help--but
to no avail. Basically, when you throw a life preserver to a Waif,
he/she ignores or disregards it (throws it back), or resents the
gesture. Christine Lawson's book, Understanding The
Borderline Mother is the best source
of information I've seen on this topic.
Q.
Shari, I'm dating a man who's very moody, and I'm thinking he
must have a bi-polar problem. Sometimes he's real sweet and loving
to me, and other times he's critical, (verbally) abusive and cold.
This shift in him is so unpredictable, I've gotten to the point
where I'm not sure who will show up at my door
when we go out. I've tried asking him what's wrong when he's in
one of his mean moods--but it never does any good, and it's painful
for me. I'm usually crying by the end of these dates, but then the
next time I hear from him, he'll be all sweet again, and acting
like nothing happened! I want him to get help for this problem,
but I'm a little scared of his reaction if I suggest it. What do
you recommend?
A.
Sounds less like a bipolar issue than a Borderline
Personality problem, which (in men) is characterized
by a Dr. Jekyll - Mr. Hyde split in demeanor
and temperament. When he perceives you're getting too close (or
he is) he pushes you away with coldness or abuse; as soon
as his attachment anxiety subsides, he comes closer again. You haven't
mentioned how long you've been dating, but this trouble usually
starts when a Borderline senses he/she has won you over
(or married you)! Gently approach this
topic when he's being more loving, and let him know how hurtful
and emotionally dangerous it feels when he's the opposite.
Ask if he's aware of these shifts in himself, and how much they
impact your relationship. This seems more a psychotherapeutic issue
than a medical one, but there could also be a chemical imbalance.
Bottom line, pursuing this involvement could be even more
painful and damaging, and you should seriously consider your options.
Q.
Is it true that Borderlines try to seduce their therapists?
A.
Yes some try, and this is their defense against feelings of vulnerability.
Borderlines and Narcissists generally need to manipulate and control
their relationships, and the therapeutic dyad is just another place
this plays out. Abandonment and trust issues prompt fear surrounding
attachment/intimacy, which is echoed in their resistance to feeling
reliant on the therapist. Either personality type may try
to "seduce" the therapist into liking them/finding them
compelling, as (in their minds) this balances the playing field;
"If I can get you to really like me, or regard me as a
friend (or lover), I must be okay, and not need your help!"
If the therapist is incapable of setting firm enough boundaries
and allows the seduction, he/she is permitting the client
to have the upper hand in their relationship. At that point, the
question begs to be asked; who's paying whom--and for what, exactly??
Q.
Thanks for your recent "newztip," Shari. I found it
hard to imagine that I would identify with Alec
Baldwin's vicious outburst--but my elder son is 9, and given another
two years with him 5,000 miles away, it's hard to say where our
conversations will go! Alec has given me and, I suppose, many fathers
an important warning - as have your e-mails and articles.
A.
Glad to be of help! Parental
Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a heartbreaking issue, and
no parent should be denied a loving connection with his/her
child. A man's feelings of loss and sorrow at being amputated out
of his child's life, are nothing short of excruciating
for him. The rage that's prompted by such
abuse, is in direct proportion to the level of pain and frustration
that underlies it! I'm personally looking forward to the day when
men start taking an offensive (rather than defensive) position,
and counter sue for damages.
Q.
Shari, for the past few weeks I've been dating a wonderful
man I met through a girlfriend, and he's amazing; handsome, romantic,
thoughtful, generous, the works! But all of a sudden, things feel
different. He's stopped calling me every day, and this past weekend,
I didn't even see him! I tried calling his cell phone a number of
times to find out if we were getting together, or if something terrible
had happened to him. No response. I'm worried, upset and confused.
I keep wondering if I've done something that has made him distance,
and it's killing me! Help!
A.
First, this is not your fault (and your girlfriend
may be able to fill in the blanks on his romantic history). Unless
your man is lying unconscious in a hospital bed somewhere, sounds
like you've met a Casanova; this man is highly
skilled at seducing women, but may (secretly) distrust/despise them.
Passive-aggressive
behavior is typical for this kind of male, as his sense
of self-worth is underdeveloped and fragile. Casanova's the male
version of Borderline Personality; he's addicted to seducing, as
it gratifies his ego and fuels his narcissism. He's incapable of
sustaining interest, or connecting more deeply. Once he's aware
of your surrender, he'll start feeling like you're getting too close
(or he is), which triggers his need to distance
emotionally and/or physically. It's tough to be with a guy like
this, as his issues run much deeper than you could hope
to rectify. After awhile, he may try to re-engage you, when he senses
you've cooled down and it's 'safe' to return for more.
Unfortunately, this is more about his
pathological need to fortify his self-image and seduce,
than about missing you. Your pain is devastating,
and I'm sorry. But next time, try and remember; when
a guy sweeps you off your feet, he may not
be strong enough to keep from
dropping you!
NOTE:
Older entries have been archived, and can be located here.