BORDERLINE
PERSONALITY FORUM
www.GettinBetter.com
Borderline personality
traits can cause serious relationship difficulties. These
letters were originally posted to my advice Forum,
and I hope they'll be helpful to you. Avoid dangerous
entrapment; learn about borderline disordered females.
Hurting? Read this; AT
ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a
Borderline.
Is she a Waif? Leaving:
Breaking up with
a Borderline. If you've just been dumped, read
this. Learn about Borderline
Males.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~
Q.
Wow. I was browsing your website after doing a Google search
for BPD abuse, and landed on your 'Testimonials'
page. The way those people raved about your articles made me curious
enough to click on the links--and I must tell you, I've never come
across anything like them. You are a genius! Thank
you for making this information available for guys like me. You've
not only helped me learn about the Borderline--you have helped me
understand myself a lot better, and now I've got a roadmap. Thanks
again.
A.
My pleasure.
Q.
My BPD girlfriend is married, and she's wanting to leave her
husband and be with me. The problem is, they have a young son together,
and she can't leave their state, due to joint custody laws. She
tells me how much she misses and loves me--and my heart breaks when
she describes how cruel and manipulating her husband is, and how
hopeless she feels. She's talked about killing herself if she has
to stay with him--and that she's only keeping herself going for
the sake of their little boy. I've already sent her thousands
of dollars to help with legal fees so she can get out of this marriage,
and I don't know what else to do. I'm so in love with this woman,
I'm thinking of closing down my business and moving across the country
to be close to her. Any advice?
A.
Yes. Don't do it! Borderlines can only
love you from afar. All this drama is very romantic, but you can't
trust what this woman tells you, as Borderlines are pathological
liars. Here's an excerpt from one
of my articles; If
you're playing with a married woman, pay close attention
to how she talks about her husband and their relationship. She might
tell you he's abusive, cold or narcissistic, and that they haven't
had sex in years. I doubt you'll
believe me, but regardless of this connection you share, there's
a very good chance she'll be saying the same things
to another guy one day, about you! You may feel sad or angry she's
had to endure such a "loveless/passionless" marriage,
and you'll do anything to give her comfort, and support
her efforts to get free; after all, you've been wanting her to be
yours--but this is when your
dynamic will change! Do you remember the film, Body Heat?
Think of Kathleen Turner's character, Maddie as an example
of a coupled Borderline.
Q.
I discovered your articles on the web and was completely absorbed
in your theories initially, however some of this is either deliberate
fabrication on your part or perhaps a well intended, but misinformed
attitude with regard to Borderlines. I'm about as self-aware and
introspective as an individual can be after years and years of therapy--and
know myself quite well. You mentioned guilt, and that "Borderlines
feel none". I suffered agonizing guilt for nearly a lifetime
and 4 attempted suicides (being nearly successful the last time),
due to self-loathing and horrendous guilt over EVERYTHING. (My husband
was fond of saying, "She feels she's responsible for everything--including
the war.") I will be 70 years old on July 4, and am for the
most part, stabilized. I wasn't just offended and shocked--I was
furious as I read. You have an obvious
hatred for Borderlines. Did you ever consider that people
are all wired differently--even us Borderlines? I have tremendous
love for others and am capable of empathy--often to the point of
placing their needs ahead of my own. The gals in my group of friends
know me as compassionate and full of fun, though often fragile.
(If I was so hard to tolerate I'd hardly have managed to keep these
friends who've known me since 1st grade.) You've pigeon-holed all
Borderline people as though we're THE SAME and I find it appalling.
I have little sense of self, and rarely any self-confidence whatsoever.
Your article saddened and disturbed me. You're spreading falsehoods
and creating distrust as if we are "monsters"
when in fact, you're WRONG. You have no compassion for
people who are knocking themselves out to be "normal."
Borderlines ARE HUMAN BEINGS with beating hearts and an irrational
fear of rejection. My life, for the most part, has been a living
hell and my family suffered along with me--but the difference is,
they can walk away and close the door. I'm "in here" and
stuck with my illness.
A.
Hmmm, I'm seeing an awful lot of confirmation and contradiction
here. I'm pretty certain you're confusing "guilt" with
core shame. You can read more about THAT,
here! You are
most certainly entitled to your feelings and opinions--and if MINE
ever change, I'll be writing about that, instead. Given that you're
a Borderline, I'd fully expect that my articles would ruffle your
feathers. It's tough looking into that mirror, I'm sure--and yes,
there are varying degrees of pathology among borderline
disordered people, and I've worked with more than my fair share
of them. But the question that begs to be asked here, is this: If
you've actually gotten WELL with all that therapy, why would this
material be upsetting you, to
the extent it apparently has?
(This is a rhetorical question, of course--I will not be
reading/responding to future emails from you.) I do want to congratulate
you on making it to 70. I think that in itself, is a victory. This
article may interest you, if you haven't yet bothered to read
beyond whatever piece you've alluded to, and it seems you have some
entrenched Waif
features. Other than that, you are welcome to visit other sites
on the Internet that take a more sympathetic view of this disorder,
and the carnage Borderlines leave in their wake. Mine are
geared toward helping folks survive these relationships,
and gain a 'sense of Self.'
Q.
Is the Narcissist intimidated by the Borderline?
A.
Yes, and no. Insecure people are often intimidated by those more
brilliant or beautiful than they, and this can be true for the Narcissist--but
the issue of 'intimidation' is more about their perceived level
of need, which I speak to here; HAVEN'T
WE MET BEFORE? The Borderline/Narcissist Couple. Needing
is exceedingly uncomfortable for narcissistic individuals, because
it implies a loss of control--and inability to maintain their (grandiose)
one-up position.
Q.
Ms. Schreiber, I've read (and reread) your articles on BPD,
and wish to thank you for making this information available on the
Web. My psychiatrist initially referred me to your site, and these
materials have been enormously helpful, in getting me through the
toughest time in my life (literally, 'saving
my life, after loving a Borderline')! I cannot thank you enough.
I've spent time on a few BPD message boards for extra support along
the way, and I'm frankly shocked that one of them (BPDfamily.com)
is maligning you, saying your license was canceled--and you're claiming
to be someone you're not. I've found your materials to be more helpful
than anything else I've come across (including several BPD books
I've purchased), to help me better understand my ex, and why this
relationship was so gut wrenching. I don't think I could have gotten
through all this, without your help. Thank you, and God bless!!!
A. You're very
welcome! I completed a 6-year Marriage and Family Therapist private
practice internship in 2001, so perhaps this is showing
on record. I took both Calif. state boards, passed the first one
and was preparing again for the second, when I met with a serious
accident in 2007 which could have killed me--but thankfully
only left me with painful bruises, scrapes and a bad concussion.
Around this time, I surrendered my application for MFT
licensure, because I wasn't capable of focusing, or sitting for
that upcoming exam. The BBS refunded my application fee, upon receiving
ambulance documentation of the incident. Life offered a detour along
my path, and I chose to take it. I have never misrepresented myself
or my services--as I'm not in the 'therapy business.' Everyone who
seeks my help is informed up front, that I do not
work as a state licensed clinician--and there isn't anything on
my site, which suggests that I do. This hasn't seemed to be a deterrent
so far--even with clients who are practicing psychologists or psychiatrists.
I had a run-in with the director of the blog site you've mentioned,
awhile back. Apparently, he found one of my
articles valuable, and (despite my non-consent)
used it in a PDF file. I'm guessing he might want to discredit or
devalue me now, as revenge for my not granting him that
permission. Ah well, sticks and stones.
Q.
How condescending Skip at BPDfamily is towards you--and he sure
does like to copy your work! This is blatant plagiarism,
if you ask me. Almost point by point they copied you - barely changing
the wording even! I noticed this before I read
your statement regarding BPDfamily at the end of one
of your articles. Hopefully everything will work out in your
favor. Just wanted to let you know that I love your work, and please
don't get discouraged by this snake--your articles literally saved
my life. Thank you!
A.
Thanks, dear--you're very kind. I am pleased that my materials have
been helpful to you! Keep up the good work. I'm hearing from other
members on BPDfamily who are as disturbed by Skip's derisive fabrications
about me as you are. Isn't it odd that he keeps stealing
from my articles, when he thinks so poorly of me? It would seem
this epitomizes valuing/devaluing behaviors, but you
be the judge.
Q.
Shari, I know you claim to not 'hate' borderlines, but your
articles seem unsympathetic to them, and come across as well, just
plain angry. Why?
A.
The best way for me to respond, is to ask: Is anger an emotion you
ever allow yourself to feel? When you do experience
anger, do you feel guilty or bad about it afterward? Have you held
judgment toward yourself about this feeling, and others as well?
An emotionally sound person will not tolerate the feelings
an abusive relationship invokes, and they'll get the hell
out. My work (and articles) give you permission to feel
all your emotions, without recriminations,
censure or self-ridicule--so you can grow healthier and more
whole. Whether you're a borderline or not, that's the
goal of healing work.
Q.
i read your article on male borderlines...having been involved
with a female borderline i was curious to see if i fit the bill
for male borderlines...your
symptoms are so generalized that they fit 99 percent of the modern
male living in this age of anomie...i decided i was a borderline...as
was abe lincoln, albert einstein, doctor drew and thomas jefferson...your
article is what is classically wrong with all self help books...they
are one paragraph extended to 150 pages of repetition for the publisher...to
quote tony montana in scarface "say goodbye to the borderline".
(Printed as received. Full name given--but
withheld here, for the sake of anonymity.)
A.
Hmm, it appears my very "generalized" material has really
struck a nerve. Standard narcissistic denial/defense is to try and
globalize issues;
"oh well, everyone's like that" but they're
not. Maybe I'll let you know when the book comes
out.
Q. I've started seeing a woman who's having sex with another
guy. Does this mean she's a Borderline? Should I break it off?
A.
No, and no. It is as much a female's prerogative to be sexual with
more than one partner, as yours--without earning a borderline diagnosis.
If she's not in an emotionally committed relationship, she may be
looking for one--but if not, it would seem you both know the ground
rules of this deal, and there's no harm or foul if you want to keep
dating. Ask important questions, and get the answers you need, to
help you determine whether this is worth pursuing on a deeper level.
Be certain about what it is you're wanting,
so that your ego and competitive spirit don't override
your instincts, and good common sense.
Q.
My Borderline girlfriend broke things off nearly a month ago.
I miss her so much and feel so empty, I can barely get through each
day without wanting to kill myself. Please help if you can.
A.
First of all, we must attend to this depression. Get to a doctor
for an antidepressant prescription, or start taking St. John's Wort
(minimum 6 caps a day) to ease your pain. Do not drink alcohol
with this herb or your Rx--as this will negate the benefits of both.
Second, if you had a healthy sense of Self before you met
this gal, you'd be able to move on from here. Low self-worth has
drawn you to this kind of female--and if we don't work to fix
that, your self-loathing will continue, which often results in suicides.
Make certain you read this
piece, and let's talk (323 936-3637)!
Q.
Just wanted to send you a BIG thanks for your article; AT
ANY COST, as it's helped me get through a really rough time.
Being a clinical psychologist, I kept believing that I could help
my lover. Over the many years we've been together, I've taken her
back every time she's had affairs with other men--and even, a few
pregnancies along the way. I just couldn't accept that she was so
damaged and unreachable, that trying to save our relationship was
a lost cause. I'm currently confronting this brutal reality--but
it hurts, and I'm obsessing about what I might have done differently,
to make us stronger as a couple. I'm aware I need to move on from
this--but at present, I'm feeling ashamed and broken, and it's begun
affecting my work. Can you help?
A.
Glad my Borderline material has helped. Read this
article, then phone me.
Q.
Dear Shari, I've just now came across your website by chance.
I went through the articles, and I related to a lot of the behaviors/characteristics
attributed to Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm a 28 year old
woman who grew up in an extremely unstable atmosphere. My dad's
been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and as far back as I
can remember, things were always in upheaval, and turbulent. We
witnessed/were exposed to physical, but mostly emotional abuse.
My mother tried to keep things together the best she could (there
were 5 children), but I recall my childhood alternating between
episodes of drama and neglect. I feel like I've always had some
sort of anxiety or personality disorder. At 11, I cut my hand with
a piece of glass, because I knew no other way to express the torrent
of emotions I felt, and I wanted to make my mother feel bad. At
age 23, my parents separated after my mom called the police during
one of his abusive bouts. That same year my eldest brother had a
breakdown, and was diagnosed with psychosis. Unable to deal with
these events, I overdosed on Tylenol and was admitted to the hospital.
My intention wasn't to kill myself (I've never felt like I wanted
to end my life) but I couldn't see any other way to deal with the
stress. My personal relationships have always been unstable--and
the thing I fear most and am realizing now, is that I've played
a huge part in that instability. My boyfriend of 6 yrs ended our
relationship in 2007. I was devastated--but quickly attached myself
to another man. In 2008 my ex came back, telling me that he'd made
a "huge mistake." For the past 9 months I've been in a
mental state, where I'm still seeing the new man, but am unable
to commit to either. I am wracked with self-doubt
and anxiety, and unable to make any decisions. I am frustrated with
myself for not being able to do so. At the same time, I am afraid
that one or both of these men will grow tired of waiting around
for me to sort out my issues, and will leave before I've made up
my mind. I'm at my wits end, and don't know how to help myself.
I know there's something that I need to work on--but I don't know
where to begin, or what to do. I don't trust my judgment and I feel
that anytime I get close to a decision, it's not the 'right' one
and that any choice will be wrong--since there's something wrong
with me. Please help.
A.
The first step toward getting better, is recognizing you
have a problem, which you've courageously done. You will have 'buyers
remorse,' no matter which man you select--and in either
case, your attachment issues will get in the way of a loving, harmonious
coupling (as evidenced by your romantic and familial history).
Get into some solid, core healing work
with a practitioner who specializes in treating narcissistic injury,
and the personality disorders that result from having had to survive
substantial emotional deficits early in life.
Q.
When do Borderlines terminate a relationship?
A.
Whenever the hell they want. There's no actual specific guideline
to help you prepare, but this typically happens after they've felt
especially close to you, or they've imagined that you're stepping
back a little. You're damned if you love them, and damned if you
don't--and this is the toughest part of being involved with one
of these individuals.
Q.
Do Borderlines ever feel guilt?
A.
No. Guilt and remorse involve examining one's own actions, and admitting
fault or failings--which Borderlines and Narcissists are too broken/fragile
to do. This excerpt is borrowed from my male
BPD piece: You can't initiate any conversations
about these disconcerting (relationship) changes that aren't turned
right back on you; "If you would only be more understanding,
patient, supportive, loving, etc., this relationship could be great."
You'll look for the grain of truth in his reasoning, because you're
an adult who's learned to pull your own covers off, and take responsibility
for your actions. But he'll never do this! You may occasionally
hear an "I'm sorry," although he's way too damaged and
narcissistic to admit any errors or shortcomings. Borderlines
are masterful at projection,
which makes You feel guilty for their screw-ups.
Q.
First, thank you for the information you have posted re Borderline
Personality women--I thought I was going crazy. My BPD ex-fiancee
has not returned the engagement ring. Engagement terminated 30 days
ago. She is financially well off and does not need the value of
the ring. Am I making a mistake contacting her, and requesting (for
the 2nd time) return of the ring? We're in our 50's. Second, I'd
like to say; "I've figured you out. You are
a borderline personality." Some revenge would feel good--but
is this a no-brainer bad idea?
A.
Sorry 'bout the ring. That's just awful. Demonstrates the Borderline's
lack of integrity, particularly if she's the one who broke it off.
Don't hold your breath, m'dear. As you've asked for the ring once,
leave it alone--and find some way to come to terms with this (monetary)
loss--which is adding insult to injury, I'm sure. The more you convey
your need for this item, the more satisfaction (and control) she
gains by keeping it! You're much better off going no contact.
This lack of attention is interpreted as indifference, which disturbs
the Borderline far more than anything you could ever say
to them. They can always deflect your comments and project them
back onto you, but nobody can defend against utter silence. It sends
its very own, special and clear message.
Q.
My live-in girlfriend and I were planning marriage and looking
at houses and she suddenly dumped me after 3 years together. I spent
4 weeks reading books and researching on the internet while she
still lived in my house and drove my car. My research began with
"adult survivor of sexual abuse" and I kept denying all
the links to BPD until I came across your article on the "waif
borderline." It was like finally seeing the recipe for some
meal I've been eating for 3 years--but had no idea how it was made.
That article shocked me, because of how accurate it was to my situation.
Some things were almost direct quotes! I still find it hard to believe.
Now I need to figure out how to heal from this and was wondering
if there is a book you could recommend about waif borderlines, or
another resource?
A.
There's little material written about the Borderline
Waif. Christine Lawson wrote Understanding the Borderline Mother,
which has a section on the Waif Mother. My articles are compiled
from direct/hands-on experience with these issues--so I'm sorry,
I can't guide you to more resources. Re-read that piece a few times,
and reference my other BPD articles and forums for more info on
this topic. You have a childhood template for this type of relationship--or
you wouldn't have been drawn to this female, or stayed for as long
as you have. Healing will probably require some therapeutic help.
Q.
Can I trust my Borderline girlfriend not to have any more affairs?
A.
Nope.
Q.
A guy that I know has started dating my ex-girlfriend who's
a Borderline. Should I warn him about her?
A.
Absolutely not! He'll find out soon enough on his own, and he won't
listen anyway--would you have,
during the Honeymoon phase of that relationship? If you're feeling
discarded and impotent/empty, it's far more critical to work on
building yourself back up and healing, than to keep focusing
on her life. Stop trying to save others, and concentrate
on saving yourself.
Q.
Shari, I've been trapped in a toxic friendship off and on for
the past 15 years. Each time I got fed up and separated myself,
she sucked me back in through guilt, martyrdom, etc. This last separation
started last February, and ever since our last Christmas contact,
we have not spoken. We have mutual friends, and ignore each other
at these group functions. The mutual friends haven't taken sides
and have not been included directly in this. Now, after last speaking
to each other, the toxic friend has returned a borrowed item to
me by giving it to a mutual friend to forward. Toxic friend had
to drive past my work and house to get to the mutual friend's house,
to return this item. She could have mailed it or left it on my porch,
saved time, and not involved the third person, in what I thought
was over between us. Now the ball is in my court. I thought that
friendship was over--but she's trying to suck me back in, like always.
What should I do?? Any help is appreciated. Thank you.
A.
Yes, it seems that your former friend is trying to suck you back
in. This is a passive
action to re-initiate contact. Ignore it.
Do not hit this ball back across the net,
engage in any dialogues with your other friends about it, or acknowledge
receipt of this item--unless directly contacted by this
person. IF that happens, keep it short and sweet; a simple Thank
You is sufficient--and then remove yourself from contact. I think
it would serve you to read my piece on the Borderline
Waif, as there may be emotional underpinnings that have kept
this relationship alive for so long, and had you returning for more,
even sensing it was toxic. This woman may seize on your non-response
as further reason to disparage and torment you--but hold firmly
to your decision to not re-engage.
Q.
Why do Borderlines have affairs?
A.
Because they can! The biggest problem here, is
that you continue to take them back. What have they got to lose
by cheating on you, if you're always willing to forgive
and forget? I write more about the underlying reasons for
triangulation,
within this forum and some of my BPD articles.
Q.
Hi Shari, I recently broke up with my borderline girlfriend
of 3 years. While she hasn't been officially diagnosed, her behavioral
patterns exemplify the borderline symptoms to a tee. My therapist,
who is well versed in the disorder, confirmed this. I recently found
out that she left me for a married man, yet she continues to text
me, at least once a week. I have no idea why she won't leave me
alone, and I don't have the heart to tell her to stop yet. In any
event I still care about her and would love to at least put forth
the idea that she get help. Should I even bother making the suggestion,
or cut her out of my life completely? I'm seriously leaning toward
the latter.
A.
Go with your gut, and follow your latter inclination. I'm
sensing you need to feel that you still matter to her--but
this attention she's giving you is all about her need to escape
her emptiness/deadness,
and feed her narcissism. In short, it has nothing to do with You!
Stop hitting this ball back across the net, dig deeper with your
own therapy, and be sure to read this
article.
Q.
My BPD girlfriend keeps pushing me away, and then pulling me
back. This is driving me nuts! Is there any way to break the cycle?
A.
No. This is standard for borderline pathology, the mechanics
of which are explained in this
article. Learn about the Borderline/Narcissist
attraction.
Q.
I've read your article on Borderline
men, and I take great exception to your statement near the end,
where you state that if a guy gives a woman his phone number without
asking for hers, he's afraid of rejection, insecure or not interested.
I'm a male in my 60's now, and have done this virtually all my life
without consequence. I think it's wrong of you to generalize about
such things, and make these bold statements that aren't based in
fact.
A.
You are welcome to your opinions about my material, and
yourself. Have you been married during the course of all these years?
I have no judgment on this either way--but if you haven't, the reasons
might be congruent with this paradigm. As a younger woman, I spent
significant time in the company of males. They were my closest friends,
and I learned a lot about how men think and behave. Based
on this personal research--and the likelihood that I've dated considerably
more men than you, I'm gonna defer to my take on this--but
feel free to prove me wrong.
Q.
Shari, I highly disagree with your notions that women who get
pregnant and keep a baby without
the father's consent, all have Borderline Personality
Disorder. I dated a guy for a year and he told me many lies, including
"I love you, lets have a baby, I want to have sex with you
without a condom." after I finally complied, I got pregnant--and
a few months later he left, and then got a lawyer to wage war against
me, because he decided to go back to his ex-gf and didn't want to
pay me child support. I have done nothing wrong except trust him.
There are many women who are similarly treated and manipulated this
way, and many men who shirk responsibility on a sexual whim. I presume
you must at least be aware of this fact. Your bold, black and white
insulting comments sound ignorant, judgemental and misogynistic.
By publicizing these types of comments, you are allowing and enabling
men to think its okay to get away with this behavior. You're not
relieving this syndrome, you are perpetuating it. The fact remains
pretty simple: Everyone is responsible for their own lives; if you
are a man and you don't want to have a child or pay support then
wear a condom and take precautions if you have sex. Knowing the
laws on this, men still disregard then raise a stink, because they
don't want to be responsible for their actions, and THAT is criminal.
The laws are there for the best interest of the child. No matter
what the circumstance, the child SHOULD have support from both parents.
You seem like a fairly intelligent lady. STOP BEING SO SHORT SIGHTED.
A.
My article contains a disclaimer, which clearly
addresses your concern about "all women" and unwed pregnancy--but
you've apparently skipped that paragraph. You are absolutely
right; "everyone is responsible for their own
lives," so
what do you think got in the way of setting
healthy boundaries for yourself, and saying; "no glove,
no love"--or at the very least, getting some reliable
birth control?? If
you had a daughter from this union, what advice would you give her
on the subject of contraception? If you have a son, how will you
feel about someone undermining him like this? Grow up,
dear.
Q.
I read your response, and again, I reiterate that you are enabling
and perpetuating this syndrome. You really expect me, or my hypothetical
daughter never to trust ANY man? You are an old lady--I suggest
YOU grow up. You are saying that women are the only ones who should
be held responsible for this situation, and for a woman to say that
is extremely disturbing and I have no doubt you have some serious
mental disturbances of your own. It's just a shame you choose to
publicize your twisted views. I just hope that people are realistic
enough to see how ludicrous your views are. By the way, I do not
consent to any of my emails being posted publicly, and I request
that you take down the first email.
A.
What, and deprive my other visitors of this? Surely you
jest. (This girl's derisive emails haven't stopped
coming to my inbox. They're full of name calling, projections
and devaluations. These behaviors, plus cyber-stalking
are typical borderline traits. She's been advised that all future
emails will be deleted, unopened.)
Q.
How do I break up with a Borderline?
A.
There must be 50
ways to leave your lover--but what's most important for you,
is accepting that while you cannot control the outcome,
you can control the
action. Very likely, you've been putting another's needs before
your own, much of your life--which makes leaving this person a nearly
impossible task. Be kind--say something like; "I care about
you, and I'm very sorry--but this isn't a solid fit for me now"
and then break the contact, so that both of you
can move on, and start to heal. In short, just do it.
Q.
Hello Shari, late last night I came across your article. It's
weird, because I was trying to get to sleep and I was tossing and
turning when I jumped online and typed in this Google search, that
directed me right to your page. It has helped me big time!
It may be my daily mantra until things get better with me, AT
ANY COST! A borderline came into my life about 8 months ago,
and it's been a roller coaster. Your article hit home so hard, it
was almost like it was written for me, by me! I have read it half
a dozen times in the last 24 hrs, and each time brings me some relief.
I really thought I was all fucked up, and my ability to love again
was in grave danger. You've left me with some hope, and I'll continue
to love myself enough not to fall into another web like this. I
really want to trust and fall in love, and I thought "this
was the one." I should have run for the hills! I was always
bombarded with accusations about past relationships and going back
to someone I haven't been with for years! Never did I have a clean
slate with this one; she constantly accused me of taking off someday,
and not being able to commit. When I traveled for work (which I
had to do frequently) I battled daily rounds of accusations--like
I was always doing something wrong. But when things were good they
were awesome, and I thought I really loved her.
Shari, thanks to your words and my totally relating to every detail
you wrote, I had shivers down my spine. I could have never thought
this was possible, or that I'd be a victim of this person. I have
one question; I got fairly close to my borderline's sister, and
I've been yearning to share my thoughts and concerns in order to
help her somehow. If none of her past victims are doing this, how
will she ever get better? Should I even care? I want to help her.
Am I still affected--and should I just try to walk away?
A.
Yes, you are "still affected." Walk away--and read this
article to help you do it!
Q.
Are close friendships important to Borderlines?
A.
For many, they are--but connections are always on the Borderline's
terms, and he/she must control their dynamic. Borderlines are incapable
of genuine empathy, so relationships are seldom reciprocal--even
if they're codependent caregivers. For the Borderline, 'friendship'
means; "you'll always be there to meet my
needs."
Q.
I just wanted to let you know, I recently found your website in
my attempts to help a man struggling with his borderline personality
new wife (and new
baby) and that you have the best information I've ever seen
on this issue, as well as most others and combined mental health
challenges. Your site is really for everyone; for people struggling
and their families, and for therapists and counselors who aim to
be of meaningful help and service. Thank you for your knowledge,
wisdom, holistic approach, practical advice, frankness and courage.
You are amazing. An LSW in Philadelphia, PA
A.
You're welcome. It means a lot when helping professionals like yourself,
find this material valuable/useful.
Q.
Hi Shari, I'm a 37 year old from Australia, just writing to
thank you for your articles on BPD--they've helped me immensely,
to come to terms with my break up of 5 months ago. I have been racked
with all the emotions you describe in your articles, and reading
about this has lifted some of these out of my insides. You truly
are an inspiration to me. With an 8 year old boy to look after,
you have helped me to (finally) start my progress toward healing.
My question is, how much work is needed for me, and what specific
areas would you recommend I change, as to why I'm attracted to these
women? I need to change these patterns, as I've had approximately
3 relationships with textbook Borderline women. I'm feeling scared
and traumatized, and definitely can't go through anymore of these.
A. Unresolved pain from childhood has very strongly influenced your
romantic choices, and you're still carrying this early trauma. As
an adult, you presume you have the capacity to interact with these
women and get your needs met, in ways you could not
with your parent. In essence, you're subconsciously trying to rewrite
history--but choosing the same
person over and over, to do it with--which of course, never
works. Resolving these issues requires self-esteem repair, which
definitely makes for healthier partner selection.
Q.
Hi Shari, my hubby is a borderline
- I try not to breathe his air. We have a thriving business together,
and I do all the sales. I don't think leaving him is an option,
since it would disrupt continuity with customers, to accomplish
it. I have been keenly aware that he's built a fortress (prison)
knowing that I'm so security minded--in other words, won't let me
hire anyone to help me sell (controlling). Most of the day is free
for him to roam, though I am not wholly convinced he cheats. He
claims his high blood pressure keeps him from being amorous (for
the past 3 years) but spends large chunks of time away from the
house in mid-day, and rarely lets me know his whereabouts. He demonstrates
a sense of entitlement, but the worst is when he does the rage thing,
while I'm trying to conduct business. I have a warehouse and land
with him, so he figures I won't leave. I'm 50, and feel hard pressed
to begin anew. The question is, how best can I inoculate myself
and live my own happy life in quiet non-desperation? He deserves
to be cheated on, but I'm not the type. Maybe I just need help to
strengthen my resolve to leave. What da ya think?
A. My dear lady, I believe you may be closer to desperation than
you think you are at this time--and if you aren't, perhaps
you should be. It appears you've already determined your
priorities, and I truly hope they serve you. Masochism and heavy
denial come across in your letter. Since you've ignored my advice
of 5 months ago when you first wrote me about these issues
(and your 'hubby's' enmeshment with his mother), it seems you want
to maintain this toxic dynamic. Just be advised, that your
health could be at serious risk if you stay--and no amount
of money in the world, is worth that. You don't have to
disrupt a business, just because you dissolve a marriage. I believe
you will need help to leave, but it'll
require more than an online reply.
Q.
Dear Shari, first, I would like to thank you for the articles
you've written on Borderline Personality Disorder, but I just wanted
to ask why you always write your articles purely aimed at female
borderlines, and not males? I understand the one relating to the
issue of borderlines using pregnancy as a trap/hoover, obviously.
I dated a Borderline male and it was devastating, as most female
'nons' would attest to. It would have been good to have our
experiences recognized and validated too.
A.
You're welcome. Google Roger Melton, M.A., and read about borderline
men. My earliest article was Blackmailed
into Fatherhood. There was such resounding response to this
topic, it kept growing, and took on a life of its own. Creative
expression springs from passion; each of my articles is born from
a passionate response to a specific issue. Sorry you felt this subject
was handled unevenly. I've been hearing from females who've switched
the gender in my BPD articles, realized they were with Borderlines,
and asked for help. Post Script: Due to
popular demand, my article on borderline
men is now available.
Q.
What's the best therapeutic approach for Borderline Personality
Disorder? I've heard that DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) helps--is
this true?
A.
At the root of Borderline Disorder is core injury, which leaves
one with serious emotional/spiritual wounds to their sense of worth/lovability.
These injuries are very central to how someone orchestrates his/her
relationships, because at the baseline of this disorder is fear
of attachment, abandonment terror, shame, etc., which triggers all
the acting-out behaviors or defenses. I view BPD far more
as trauma to one's psyche and spirit, than a behavioral issue. DBT
may help curb some of the violent/volatile behaviors, but it can't
mend the core wounds; it's sort of like treating the symptoms
of a disease, but ignoring the cause. In my experience, what's most
effective is nurturing, patient, long-term, therapeutic care that
compensates for the deficits left by dysfunctional parenting--while
providing nourishing and corrective emotional experiences, that
help the client steadily grow beyond where they're trapped
developmentally--which is usually between three to thirteen years
of age.
Q.
My girlfriend's been pressuring me for a commitment. Our relationship
has been great on so many levels, I'm open to moving forward. We've
been talking about living together as the next step--but now
she's telling me she wants to date others! I'm very confused and
hurt by this, and don't know how to handle it. Why'd she need me
to commit, if she wanted to be with other men? I just don't get
it.
A.
It sounds like your girlfriend may have attachment issues. She's
wanted you closer--but as soon as you're more available, she apparently
needs to distance. She could have Borderline
Personality features, which means she's ambivalent about
real closeness/connection, and you should proceed with extreme
caution. Pay attention to any 'come here/go away' behaviors that
echo what you've described above; these issues are likely to intensify
during the course of this relationship.
NOTE:
Older entries have been archived, and can be located here.