BORDERLINE
PERSONALITY FORUM
www.GettinBetter.com
Borderline personality
traits can cause serious relationship difficulties, and this site
currently houses 19
articles on this topic. These letters were originally posted
to my advice Forum,
and I hope they'll be helpful to you. Avoid dangerous
entrapment; learn about BPD females! Married
with kids? Is she a needy Waif?
Just been dumped? Read
this! How to
Leave a Borderline. Are
you Hurting? Learn about
Borderline Males.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~
Q.
First of all, THANK YOU . . . A few months ago I started seeing
a psychologist after a 4 1/2 year relationship with a lady who I
now know is a borderline. After much talk with my therapist regarding
my past relationship he suggested the possibility of BPD in regards
to my ex. He also suggested some books for me to read about BPD,
which I have read regarding this disorder. And then there was your
material, I stumbled across last night. I just wanted to say you
are a GREAT writer and PLEASE write a book about all the information
you have regarding BPD. You have completely articulated
EVERYTHING I have lived through in my experience with my ex who
has BPD. You have given me more clarity on this subject than any
other book, article or even 3 months of therapy have given me. I
just wanted to tell you that you have my utmost respect for what
you do, and you have silently helped me understand this disorder
more than any book or therapist! I sincerely wish you the best in
your future AND PLEASE WRITE A BOOK ON BPD. God bless you and THANK
YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!
A.
Hope to get the books underway this year, and you're welcome. [More
letters like this can be found here.]
Q.
I am a female with BPD and got knocked up by a guy who decided
to walk the fuck out. Getting married was his idea. Getting pregnant
was his idea. Leaving me alone with no one to help pay for this
kid? His idea. I am angered by your asinine
agenda, making men feel they've been victimized by being indiscriminate
in where they drop their loads. Oh, you agreed to not wear a condom?
Good for you! Can't find my husband. He's disappeared. Thanks for
loading the internet with crap designed to make me feel bad about
my disorder, and that I've done something wrong. Way to blame-shift.
Fuck you.
A. Awwwwww, poor
You. Perhaps this life experience will help you begin to grow up,
and start thinking for yourself. In the meantime, think about how
you've treated that 'guy' you married, and what might have made
him feel a need to leave you.
Q.
Hello Ms.
Schreiber, our third son was adopted at birth. His BPD became more
and more evident around the age of 12, and by age 15 it was clear.
My point to you is that he was brought up by parents that were successful
in life, and raised two boys with no problems. There was absolutely
no lack of Love, Care and a sincere desire to get him help. His
birth mother had 4 girls and 1 boy with 3-4 fathers. Several years
after the adoption she was put on 10 years probation. His birth
father's in prison for the 3rd time to date. To be brief, I would
ask that you reconsider your thoughts on the early years of abuse
and neglect, as I believe it's clear that in my son's case it's
entirely genealogical, aggravated by issues of being given up at
birth. I think your information to women (in
your article) is mostly spot on. But for the sake of understanding
some of the causes of BPD better, you should look into more recent
research on this topic.
A.
Sounds like my
materials have struck a nerve with you (or your wife), and created
some discomfort. Please feel free to access any other information
on the web that more closely resonates with your personal views--and
that you find more palatable than mine. You appear to 'have it all
figured out,' and I applaud your curiosity in context of learning
about your son--but you must remain discerning about believing what
you read. Most people who research or write about BPD have NEVER
worked with those who suffer from it. This is not
a genetically inherited issue (as can often be the case with neurological
or mood disorders). Our earliest damage can be catalyzed by more
subtle influences, rather than by acute abuse or neglect.
Often, natal abandonment trauma for adoptees is only the first wounding
(in a series) that occurs. This doesn't happen ONLY with babies
who are adopted, incidentally. Many of the Borderlines I've treated
(whether adoptees or not), were raised by parents with narcissistic
traits who've wanted a child for the purpose of filling some sort
of personal void. In short, having or adding another baby
is often more about a female's desire to mitigate her own feelings
of emptiness and/or lack of purpose, than her actual capacity to
bond symbiotically with an infant and meet His/Her needs. Nadia
Sulemon, 'The Octomom' is a quintessential example of such a mother.
You can read more about this type of parent and early trauma, which
is the core of Borderline Personality Disorder
within this article.
Indeed, these issues can exacerbate BPD susceptibility. In addition,
my bipolar piece
speaks to how an infant's brain continues to develop long
past birth, which can (also) account for mood disorders. Over these
past two decades, I've worked with a significant number of clients
who struggled with both Bipolar Disorder and BPD concurrently. Many
can recover, once they get to the root of their personality disorder
issues.
Q.
I broke away from a Borderline several weeks ago, and just got
a text from her asking me how I'm doing. I still struggle with having
let go of that woman, even though she used me and even cheated on
me! I want to pretend I'm fine and not still hurting. I'd like to
come off like none of what happened matters to me, but I'm not sure
what to send back. Can you help?
A.
Yes. Do absolutely nothing. No reply sends the
loudest message that you have moved on, and she doesn't
matter to you (even if she still does). A Borderline will try to
'hoover' you back in to use you again for self-validation,
favors, etc., no matter how much time has elapsed. Stay strong,
and be the exception among all her past lovers, who have
kept that door open hoping to get back in her box. Stay with
no contact! You'll stand out as the one guy in her whole world
who's had enough self-respect to have said, No Thanks!
Q.
Dear Shari, I came across your website the other day and it
has been very insightful. I say this as a sufferer of Borderline
Personality Disorder as well. One reason I came upon your page was
to see how my behavior has been affecting my boyfriend and the emotional
damage I have caused him. Of course he has understandably reached
a breaking point and wants to draw the line. I hope he comes across
your website so he can get some help in healing from all this. I
really do want him to be happy again. I would like to thank you
for making me realize what I've been doing. I will be chasing up
my counseling in the new year. I have spent so long blaming others
and self-destructing, that it's time to sort it out. Again, thank
you.
A. You're welcome,
and best of luck with getting well. As for your boyfriend finding
the help he needs, sounds like you'll be leaving that to
chance.
Q. Oh my
God. You have finally put a name to the madness
I've been facing in my relationship. Word for word, you've described
what I've experienced, and it's uncanny how accurate
your articles are! I cannot begin to guess how you could know this
stuff about my dynamic with my soon to be ex, but I'm utterly amazed.
I am now able to see that my childhood issues have 'perfectly'
lined up with hers, and it helps me take some much needed steps
to move on. THANKS!!!
A.
Congratulations! And yes indeed, we are drawn to people who match
our level of emotional development.
Q.
I've read several of your articles, and as an educated person
with BPD let me just say that your inaccuracy and tendency to generalize
sickens me. I would expect a woman who claims to be a professional
to be accurate in her information and not exploit the ignorance
of others. Or is it simply your ignorance? Before
you promote stigma, at least have some facts, honey. Oh, and after
a breakup I don't dissociate, bitch. I feel pain unlike any that
someone with your lack of empathy could ever feel.
A.
Hmmm, "honey" and "bitch" penned by the same
girl. Why not do us both a service if my writings disturb
you dear, and take your 'educated' self some-place else.
Q.
Hi!
I just wanted to let you know that I am a borderline, and I found
your articles to be exactly right. I even sent them to my parents
and psychiatrist to let them have more insight on what I'm dealing
with. Thank you for your wonderful explanations!
A.
My pleasure. Good luck to you!
Q.
Good grief woman, you might just be the most brilliant person
I've ever met! Not only have you helped me tremendously
with your BPD articles, in terms of understanding my ex-GF--but
to balance it out, you've helped me see behind the curtain of my
own psyche, as to how and why
I was drawn into this brand of torment, and given me ways to heal.
I cannot thank you enough!!!
A.
You're welcome. Breaking off from a toxic/painful relationship is
the easy part. Repairing archaic
wounds to your sense of Self, so you're not tempted to repeat
this painful process ever again, is the hardest.
Q.
I have BPD and have been doing a lot of reading about it lately,
and I came across your informative articles. I was diagnosed with
BPD in 1996 but have not done any work around it, and now I am getting
married and I am highly motivated to work on stuff. I have a question.
You said something interesting; "sexual/seductive UNTIL marriage"...what
does that mean? It's interesting because I was sexual/seductive
to the men before my last two marriages, but during marriage, I
wasn't interested--it was boring, had no sex drive. It's like I
became asexual! I need to find out what this is! Sometimes during
sex with both my ex and now current fiance, I cry during sex. I
do have a strong sex drive and enjoy seducing now, hope that won't
change... concerned. I am starting DBT in a few weeks!
A.
This is
standard. Borderlines are ONLY interested in The Chase... not
the capture. Closeness is threatening, and attachment is avoided
at any cost.
Read my 19 BPD articles for more insight, then seriously consider
informing your third husband to be, about your past. DBT doesn't
resolve these issues.
Q.
Many thanks for the negative description. You burn me up! Do you
have anything good to say about a borderliner? Everything, but everything
on this site will make people think we are monsters and to keep
away from us. You are one of those people that creates the utterly
negative picture people have of Borderliners that makes everyone
want to RUN!!!!!!!!!
A.
There is no such word as "Borderliner." If you object
to being identified as a dangerous, dysfunctional person, I strongly
suggest you seek professional assistance to help you Heal, and learn
how to stop inflicting your emotional and psychic
pain on others.
Q.
Shari, why would a man tell you he sabotages his relationships?
A.
He very likely has Borderline
Personality Disorder traits, and he's warning you about what's
up-ahead in this relationship (so you can't blame him later on,
for your broken heart). Don't walk... RUN away from this guy!
Q.
My GF (a new mother) won't leave her baby alone. Is this normal?
A.
It's very healthy and important for an infant to receive lots
of touching, affection and nurturant attention/care from the mother--but
it sounds as if you're feeling neglected (perhaps You missed-out
on these vital supplies as a baby). Whether this is your child or
not, there could be numerous reasons (including hormonal) why your
GF is responding far more to the needs
of her baby, than to yours.
Q.
Help! My kid's cut me out of his life, and nothing I do or say changes
it.
A.
My experience, is that one doesn't 'divorce' a parent, unless
they perceive that relationship to be emotionally undermining and
highly toxic. Sounds like you'd benefit from looking deeply into
yourself, to determine where you've treated him abusively and betrayed
his trust. Your heartfelt apology is likely in order, but this cumulative
damage may be too vast, for him to forgive it.
Q.
Dear Shari, I just want to say thank you. I read your article this
morning and finally, for the first time I now have all of the answers
and a far deeper understanding of what I have been through over
the last 12 months. I am seven weeks out of a relationship with
a BPD. I'm simply astonished at the parallels between
your article and my own experience. I hadn't even heard of BPD before
my relationship ended! Only after weeks of reading and rigorous
searching for answers, have I come to understand what happened to
me. Saving your Life
after Loving a Borderline is by far the most
thorough, far reaching and explorative of pieces I have
read. It's also beautifully written. Thank you from the bottom of
my heart, and for edging me ever closer to much needed closure.
With deep gratitude from the UK. P.S. 'No Contact' is the best possible
action for recovery. I've used it for four weeks now. It's the only
way!
A.
My pleasure, and be sure to study this
piece, to help you understand why and how you were drawn to
this woman.
Q.
Can a woman manipulate a BPD man to get what she wants in life?
A.
Perhaps, but only a woman with borderline traits would ask
that question.
Q.
Shari, thank you so much for your profoundly insightful information.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and fairly recently broke up with my
BPD girlfriend for (what I intend to be) the last time. The information
you have shared has helped me come to an understanding of what I
need to do for myself so much more clearly, than I could have probably
ever done otherwise. I have read your article on Outgrowing
Addiction and it completely resonates with me, including the
things I disagree with about the AA approach to recovery. Do you
have any more information on learning to properly deal with my feelings
or can you refer me to some information you would suggest that might
be helpful? Again, thank you SO much for your insight.
A.
You're welcome. Make this
article your bible for the next few months, but no written material
(alone) can actually help you heal
from these issues.
Q.
Shari, what is their problem over at www.BPDFamily.com??
Now, they're picking apart your
article that they plagiarized, and I just can't
understand the hostile attitude they have about you! You and your
site materials have helped me recover more than anything else I've
read, and all that BPD pain is well behind me. I cannot thank you
enough.
A.
Holy cow. Your letter's one of 47 I've received
the last couple of days! I haven't had time to check into this issue
due to work demands, and probably won't. All I can say is, there's
a delicious irony here. Yes, BPDFamily/Facing the Facts did
copy my wording and phrases, yet it appears Skip's still upset that
I withheld permission to use/amend my article several years ago
(long time to hold a grudge). In any event, maybe this poor guy
has unresolved mommy
issues--and I'm just the more convenient target for all that
bottled up rage. To the rest of you who want to bring this to my
attention, fear not; this minor nuisance has as much impact as a
mosquito on a rhino's rump.
Q.
How do Borderlines feel after the break-up?
A.
Not like you do--that's for sure. They've developed a remarkable
capacity to check-out or dissociate
from painful feelings, so don't think for a moment, he or she is
struggling with the same, constant anguish that you
are.
Q.
Please keep up the great work and taking a firm stand about BPD,
Shari. Skip and BPDFamily just seem jealous that millions are finding
your articles to be invaluable for helping them heal from these
devastating relationships. You rock!
A.
Thanks, dear. Actually, it's complimentary. Folks never take shots
at you, unless/until you've achieved some notoriety--it just comes
with the territory. Dr. Drew's even been a target for that lately.
You know you've arrived, when others are so envious, they feel compelled
to tear ya down. This also occurs (of course) with Borderlines,
when your accomplishments or strengths trigger their insecurities.
Q.
Can my BPD husband
get well?
A.
Yes, with specialized care he can--but only if he actually wants
to, and is willing to do the hard work it takes to grow, and recover.
Borderline Disorder is not a disease. It's a serious
emotional development issue.
Q.
Shari, I wanna make sure I never get involved with another BPD woman
who'll wreck my life like the last one. Can you help me know what
to watch out for?
A.
My articles provide you lots of direction in terms of signs and
symptoms, but this isn't a mental decision process. The Borderline's
captivating charms can sneak up on you. They can seem "normal"
during their seduction phase, and by the time their hurtful behaviors
start whittling away at you, you're in too deep to extract yourself.
Your best line of defense is to do some feeling
work, so that your instincts and intuitions can function as
an inner compass. When you can finally trust Yourself, you'll have
no problem discerning who's trustworthy.
Q.
Can you convince a Borderline that you love them?
A.
No. Given that a borderline personality has always lived with core
shame and self-loathing, their retention of this confirmation can't
be sustained. In short, you can't help someone know they're lovable,
when they're convinced that they aren't.
Q.
I've been involved with a high-functioning borderline, over the
past year. Can she get better, or do I have to give up on the relationship?
A.
First, read the entry just below this one. Second, most people presume
this term (high-functioning) references the level of conflict, strife
and chaos they'll have to deal with in a close relationship with
one--but it doesn't!
It refers to how well they perform in professional and social arenas.
There are lots of Borderlines who are psychotherapeutic
and medical professionals, but behind closed doors (at home), their
romantic partnerships suffer terribly.
Q.
Shari, I'm confused. Your articles mostly suggest that there's little
hope for Borderlines to get well or recover, yet in some places
you state that they can. I need some clarification, please.
A.
Borderlines absolutely can fully recover, with
extensive core-trauma work and a tenacious commitment to growth--but
change is scary for them. Core work is foundational work, which
challenges long-standing defenses, faulty beliefs and superstitions;
BPD sex or substance
addicts have a tougher time surrendering these. Core issues
(not just symptoms) must be addressed, to help Borderlines grow
and become self-reliant and whole, instead of staying broken and
disempowered/dependent. That's what you want for them, right?
Q.
Dear Shari, you are not even a doctor of psychiatry and I am sure
that with your views on mental illness, The American Board of Psychiatry
and Neurology would never certify you. How dare you add to the stigma
already surrounding people diagnosed with BPD! You are not helping
their suffering. I read your articles and they prove that you are
ignorant and uneducated. You have no compassion and I am sure you
are out to take advantage of your clients just to make a buck. I
pity those who have come in contact with you looking for help. You
are a problem not a solution. You call yourself an educator but
from reading your website you don't seem to be educated in what
borderline disorder actually is, and how it effects the lives of
people who unfortunately have to live with it. Since borderline
personality disorder isn't a well known mental illness, your website
can do much damage because the population is not well-educated about
the disorder and can take what you are saying to heart. You should
be ashamed of yourself, take your website down and stop your practice
immediately. I'm sure I'm not the only person to write you about
how horrifying your teachings are. Please be a better person.
A.
Ironically enough, about a third of my clients are (licensed) psychologists
and post doctoral candidates, and a few have borderline traits.
Psychiatrists, other MD's and attorneys often refer their patients/clients
to my site (which you may have noticed--if you'd read my BPD forums
and testimonials
page). Given that psychotherapeutic professionals value my work,
your opinions are of no consequence to me. Feel free to frequent
other sites on the Internet, that are more to your taste. BPD is
not a "mental illness," it's an emotional
disturbance that takes hold during infancy and early childhood.
Future emails from you will be deleted/unopened, but I (quite literally)
wish you Well.
Q.
I've been drinking too much since the breakup with my Borderline.
Now I think I have an alcohol problem, but I don't know how else
to manage this pain I'm in every day. Help!
A.
Alcohol is never a solution. It's a depressant--so you're actually
making your pain worse by transferring
your addiction from your BPD ex, to booze. I recommend that
you take stock of how you felt about yourself before
this female showed up. Did you feel comfortable hanging-out with
You? Did you fight sensations of emptiness, deadness and self-loathing
before she came along and turned your black and white world to technicolor?
See a doctor for an antidepressant Rx, or try 2 - 6 capsules of
St. John's Wort daily to relieve some of this depression (do not
drink alcohol with either!). Get therapeutic help from someone who
has a solid grasp on BPD concerns and core
issues.
Q.
Hi Shari, I wish I'd have found your site earlier in my journey,
because I wouldn’t have invested so much of myself in BPD
Family.com (Facing the Facts 'FtF'). I found that site
when I was reeling in emotional pain and suffering, due to my inability
to effectively cope with my mentally ill mom and stepdad. I was
emotionally very vulnerable when I first joined their group. I bought
into their norms, and actually believed their “staff” to be as advertised:
"compassionate and caring people." As I worked through
the process of healing and learned new coping skills, I began to
feel better about myself and the choices I’d made concerning my
two difficult parents. What I failed to realize, is my decisions/choices
apparently weren’t “in-keeping” with the 'FtF approved solutions.'
More precisely, it seems that certain 'influential members' there,
have been deliberately selected because they either can’t--or won’t
EVER contradict the site’s owner! Once I felt emotionally strong
enough to do so, I began to challenge this, hoping to effect positive
change. That was my 2nd mistake--the first being,
joining that site. They then 'closed-ranks' and began to undermine
my participation by citing "childish connection issues,"
deleting my message threads, and being covertly hostile towards
me. Instead of FtF being a "safe healing place,"
my experience was not unlike my early experiences with a severely
dysfunctional family system. Fortunately, I'd recovered enough to
realize the sum of my errors, and their 'invalidation campaign'
played out as I had expected, resulting in my being banned
from further participation. Divergent opinions are evidently threatening
to people in positions of power at FtF. My bad experience on BPDFamily
is now history, and I’ve learned a valuable lesson about relying
on Internet based support groups. Hopefully, sharing my experience
might help others become as selective about joining online support
groups as they are about choosing a therapist. There are
good ones out there--and I’ve since found one. When I looked around
this new group, I realized that most of its member
base is comprised of people like myself, who’ve encountered SERIOUS
difficulties on FtF. Again, thank you for doing what you do.
A.
You're welcome, and I'm sorry to hear of your BPDFamily catastrophe.
It's feedback like yours that motivated me to remove the link to
their site from my BPresources
page. Thanks for this important and generous contribution.
Q.
How long does the 'honeymoon phase' with a Borderline last??
A.
Not nearly long enough!
Q.
Can two people with borderline traits make it together?
A.
This excerpt says it all: You might come to
surmise that you're both core-damaged, so why can't
this make for a compatible,
successful relationship? Have you ever observed two little children
playing well together--but if there's an upset between them, they
lack conflict resolution skills, and it takes an adult to intercede?
Lack of adult development means conflicts escalate, and there's
no such thing as problem-solving (which is why
there's a need for couples therapists!). Perhaps you've experienced
this with your borderline lover, and either gave-up/gave-in, or
had to break away until all that tension eased--only to return to
find it had blown over with no resolution, and
this cycle just kept repeating.
Q.
My dad left when I was about a year old, and I'm sure this is why
I have abandonment issues, and problems in my relationships with
women. I guess I need to know how to overcome this, so it doesn't
keep undermining my romantic life and attempts at happiness?
A.
We learn about how to love ourselves (and others) from the people
who were around when we were growing up! Quit blaming
your father for these issues, and begin looking
at how your mother (or other primary caregiver) related to, and
treated you. That's who has taught you everything you
know about loving, and formed the basis of your self-worth (or lack
of it).
Q.
My girlfriend and I have been together almost 3 years, and she's
gotten pregnant. I want to do the right thing by this child, but
she doesn't want to see me, says she doesn't want me involved in
any way, and that the baby's not mine. I'm really torn about this.
What can I do?
A.
First, believe her--as this may in fact, not be
your child. Get yourself to a good lawyer who will draw up documents
for her to sign, letting you off the hook for any/all future responsibility,
financially and emotionally for this kid. You have no legal rights
to this child, given you're not married to that girl. A Borderline
can be very possessive about a baby. It temporarily fills a huge
emptiness for her, and makes her feel whole/viable for the first
time. She's not about to share those glorious/satisfying sensations
with you--until a few years down the road, when she wants to haul
your ass into court for child support (no matter what she's
stating right now)! You have dodged a bullet. Whatever emotional/moral
struggles you're having, work 'em out in therapy.
Q.
Why do I feel a need for revenge against my BPD ex-boyfriend?
A.
Why wouldn't you?? I suspect you've been sitting with strong feelings
of pain, anger and shame given how he treated you, and they're all
appropriate to this circumstance! The biggest obstacle to your moving
past this trauma, is continuing to judge these
emotions as "bad or negative," and making yourself wrong
for feeling them--especially, when parts of you are struggling to
detach from the love you've felt for him. You might be wrestling
with rage and longing for awhile. This is natural--but we can
hasten your recovery.
Q.
I read your articles just about once a week. I have to read them
over and over again to get them into my brain a little at a time.
You have said make e mails short. Of all the things I've read about
BPD and loving someone with this disorder, your articles have been
the most help. Why? Because you tell us Non's the
truth. No one else does that. Even the best of the best, write in
a way that makes us feel bad, and feel sorry for the person with
BPD. This is the last thing we non's need...at least at first. And
believe me it can take YEARS to get to the sympathy part. What we
non's need at first (and maybe for a long time) is to get mad, get
pissed, get a dose of reality! What we non's need is someone to
stand up for us! No one in my life ever did that for me, and I thank
you for it.
A.
You're welcome, and thanks for the feedback. You're correct; we've
got to go through anger, before we can find sympathy/forgiveness--otherwise,
what is there to forgive??
Q. Hi Shari, I love your website. It's been extremely helpful
to me as someone who just encountered their first borderline. These
two statements from your article 'If
Looks Could Kill' seem contradictory. Could you explain how
BPD's chase partners who aren't available--but yet you also say
they pick partners who they sense will never leave them? (See quotes)
"Chasing partners who are emotionally or physically unavailable--or
married/attached, keeps this yearning vibrant, and inhibits them
from embracing a partner who's actually able to provide love on
a consistent basis." (and) "They usually pick partners
they sense will never leave them, which assuages their abandonment
concerns--but the 'testing phase' never actually ends."
A.
These statements are contradictory. I've been wanting to
add clarification to that piece, and it's totally understandable
you're feeling confused. This exemplifies the Borderline's paradoxical
nature. The Chase is intoxicating for them--but they also seek the
security/safety of partners who won't abandon them. Once you're
really theirs, the seduction challenge is over, and they don't want
you anymore--until you're gone, then (on a whim)
they suck you back in, and this vicious cycle repeats.
Q.
Shari, should a woman with Borderline Disorder have a baby?
A.
Nearly every client I've worked with was raised by people with narcissistic
and/or borderline features. Does that answer your question?
Q.
Thank you very much for waking me up. Your BPD articles have been
so very helpful, and cleared a lot of my confusion--and today I
found the link on your resources
page, and I'm finally recognizing the extent of abuse I've lived
with. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
A.
You're very welcome.
Q.
Shari, your article on borderline males is extraordinary.
I'm a psychiatrist in private practice, and your materials on BPD
are the most comprehensive, accurate and insightful I've ever seen,
to explain this disorder. I have a few Borderlines in my practice,
and I'd like more input regarding why they self-sabotage and break
away from treatment, just as they're making tangible progress.
A.
This (ironically) boils down to their sense of closeness to you
within the therapeutic attachment, and it's partly due to their
separation/individuation phase of development (I
still need you, but I don't want to!) which coincides with
their infancy experience around the age of one (or in this case,
about a year into treatment). At this point, you may see some acting-out
behaviors; triangulating/diffusing their bond with you by 'test
driving' other therapists or alternate modalities of treatment,
going back to their former (toxic) lover, skipping standing appointments/rescheduling
them at the last minute, being belligerent/resistent to care, transferring
long-held unresolved rage toward a parent onto you, etc. This is
textbook Rapprochement
with any practitioner who's doing solid/meaningful work with core-damaged
people. In truth, the better you've done your job, the more likely
they are to push away. With any luck, they'll resume when their
attachment/abandonment anxiety eases up.
Q.
Most of your articles suggest that Borderlines can't be helped.
Is this true?
A.
It isn't that Borderlines can't be helped--it's that they won't
be. Very few have the will and courage to pursue meaningful intervention,
and work hard toward recovery. I've worked successfully with this
disorder--but the client's dedication to becoming well and whole,
is what decides their fate.
Q.
I'm finally feeling ready to break it off with my borderline girlfriend,
but I'm afraid of hurting her. How should I go about this?
A.
The best method is to keep it short and sweet. You'll have a tendency
to blame her, or point out all the reasons you need
to leave--but this will only relieve your guilt about ending
it, and be harmful/shaming to the Borderline. In short, it's not
an effective or compassionate departure strategy! Express
that you've cared for and appreciated her, but this relationship
is no longer a solid fit for you, and you need to move on.
If she wants to maintain you as a friend, reference this
article, and scroll down to the subsection; CAN'T WE STILL BE
FRIENDS?? Friendship involves mutual trust and respect, which has
never been at the foundation of this relationship. If it wasn't
there when you were sleeping together, it isn't gonna be there when
you're not.
Q.
Shari, do Borderlines attach to emotionally healthy people?
A.
Sure--but emotionally healthy people don't attach
to Borderlines.
Q.
Can divorce cause Borderline Personality Disorder?
A.
No. Actually, it's just the other way around.
Q.
I broke up with a borderline two weeks ago. Does she miss me?
A.
Not like you need to think she does--or should. Scroll down to and
read the 'myths' section of this
article.
Q.
Shari, are ALL Borderlines hypersexual and promiscuous--and will
they all have affairs on their partner?
A.
No--in fact, some Borderlines are asexual (or non-sexual) especially
after marriage, and may actually fear sexual closeness. This
can take the form of male impotency; chronic premature
ejaculation, inability to orgasm during intercourse and failure
to achieve/maintain erections--and Vaginismus,
or chronic vaginal and/or bladder problems that occur in females
with borderline traits, which can disrupt or prevent erotic interplay.
These somatic
issues typically stem from early, buried psychic/emotional trauma.
Many Borderlines do stray from their primary relationships, but
it's not true for all of them.
Q.
Shari, I came across your article about borderline
men last night, and WOW. I feel like you've been in my house,
studying my relationship. You have no idea how helpful these BPD
articles were. 11 years of blaming myself virtually disappeared,
and I am filled with a sense of peace I never dreamed possible (I
gave up on silly things like hopes, dreams and desires about 9 years
ago). My problem is, I married the narcissist. I was 19, my dad
ran off when I was two, and had recently died when I met this man.
Blah blah, you see where I'm going with this--you've probably heard
it a thousand times before. The divorce hearing is in a couple days,
and I am really looking forward to never having to even say his
name again, but the problem is, we have a child--he's always going
to be around. I'm wondering if you have any tips for divorcing the
borderline. More importantly, do you have or know of any resources
for children of borderlines? Our daughter is 8, and while she is
more emotionally mature than he'll ever be, I realize that his lies
and manipulations will carry over into the courtroom, and he'll
likely be granted extensive visitation, if not joint custody. Thanks.
A.
First, there is nothing wrong with hopes, dreams and desires; they
assist you in creating a more gratifying reality. With regard to
your child, when the Mothership is sound, her passengers can reach
their destination intact. Stop confusing your feelings, anxieties
and needs with hers. This is projection,
and it's undermining to her. Get into some solid (core) therapy
to dismantle the self-worth issues and self-sabotaging behaviors
you've carried around for a lifetime. As You grow
stronger, more integrated and whole, your daughter will automatically
benefit--as you'll have even more inner resources to share with
her, and be better able to navigate the dissolution of this marriage.
Q.
Wow. I was browsing your website after doing a Google search for
BPD abuse, and landed on your 'Testimonials'
page. The way those people raved about your articles made me curious
enough to click on the links--and I must tell you, I've never come
across anything like them. You are a genius! Thank
you for making this information available for guys like me. You've
not only helped me learn about the Borderline--you have helped me
understand myself a lot better, and now I've got a roadmap. Thanks
again.
A.
My pleasure.
Q.
Shari, thank you for your informative web site. Have you been listening
to my conversations and watching my daily interactions with a BPD
woman? I am a married man who was having difficulty in my marriage
(lack of attention) and was attracted to this "damsel in distress"
and began a flirtatious relationship with her. This has been the
roughest 12 months of my life. In my desperation I began 'googling'
personality disorders because I knew something was not right. Yes!
I am a fixer, a police officer for 25 years and a hostage negotiator.
I have negotiated with real "nutjobs" in the past and
never became this emotionally spent and screwed up. To think, I
almost bailed on my wife and kids for this woman who would eventually
make me eat my gun! Since finding your site, I have started to distance
myself from her after last 'splitting' episode. Today (Christmas)
I've already received her text message saying "I guess you
don't want to talk any-more...I'm forgettable, so its okay...I wouldn't
expect any different," blah blah blah. How stupid I have felt
over this--and thanks to you, no more. Yes, I will deal with my
own issues now.
A.
Sounds like you found yourself a classic BPD
waif. Glad to hear this hasn't destroyed your
marriage, and Happy Holidays to you and yours.
Q.
My BPD girlfriend is married, and she's wanting to leave her husband
and be with me. The problem is, they have a young son together,
and she can't leave their state, due to joint custody laws. She
tells me how much she misses and loves me--and my heart breaks when
she describes how cruel and manipulating her husband is, and how
hopeless she feels. She's talked about killing herself if she has
to stay with him--and that she's only keeping herself going for
the sake of their little boy. I've already sent her thousands
of dollars to help with legal fees so she can get out of this marriage,
and I don't know what else to do. I'm so in love with this woman,
I'm thinking of closing down my business and moving across the country
to be close to her. Any advice?
A.
Yes. Don't do it! Borderlines can only love you
from afar. All this drama is very romantic, but you can't trust
what this woman tells you, as Borderlines are pathological liars.
Here's an excerpt from one
of my articles; If
you're playing with a married woman, pay close attention to how
she talks about her husband and their relationship. She might tell
you he's abusive, cold or narcissistic, and that they haven't had
sex in years. I doubt you'll believe
me, but regardless of this connection you share, there's a very
good chance she'll be saying the same things to another guy one
day, about you! You may feel sad or angry she's had to endure such
a "loveless/passionless" marriage, and you'll do anything
to give her comfort, and support her efforts to get free; after
all, you've been wanting her to be yours--but this is when your
dynamic will change! Do you remember the film, Body Heat?
Think of Kathleen Turner's character, Maddie as an example of a
coupled Borderline.
Q.
I discovered your articles on the web and was completely absorbed
in your theories initially, however some of this is either deliberate
fabrication on your part or perhaps a well intended, but misinformed
attitude with regard to Borderlines. I'm about as self-aware and
introspective as an individual can be after years and years of therapy--and
know myself quite well. You mentioned guilt, and that "Borderlines
feel none". I suffered agonizing guilt for nearly a lifetime
and 4 attempted suicides (being nearly successful the last time),
due to self-loathing and horrendous guilt over EVERYTHING. (My husband
was fond of saying, "She feels she's responsible for everything--including
the war.") I will be 70 years old on July 4, and am for the
most part, stabilized. I wasn't just offended and shocked--I was
furious as I read. You have an obvious
hatred for Borderlines. Did you ever consider that people
are all wired differently--even us Borderlines? I have tremendous
love for others and am capable of empathy--often to the point of
placing their needs ahead of my own. The gals in my group of friends
know me as compassionate and full of fun, though often fragile.
(If I was so hard to tolerate I'd hardly have managed to keep these
friends who've known me since 1st grade.) You've pigeon-holed all
Borderline people as though we're THE SAME and I find it appalling.
I have little sense of self, and rarely any self-confidence whatsoever.
Your article saddened and disturbed me. You're spreading falsehoods
and creating distrust as if we are "monsters"
when in fact, you're WRONG. You have no compassion for
people who are knocking themselves out to be "normal."
Borderlines ARE HUMAN BEINGS with beating hearts and an irrational
fear of rejection. My life, for the most part, has been a living
hell and my family suffered along with me--but the difference is,
they can walk away and close the door. I'm "in here" and
stuck with my illness.
A.
Hmmm, I'm seeing an awful lot of confirmation and contradiction
here. I'm pretty certain you're confusing "guilt" with
core shame. You can read more about THAT, here!
You are most certainly entitled to your feelings and opinions--and
if MINE ever change, I'll be writing about that, instead. Given
that you're a Borderline, I'd fully expect that my articles would
ruffle your feathers. It's tough looking into that mirror, I'm sure--and
yes, there are varying degrees of pathology among borderline disordered
people, and I've worked with more than my fair share of them. But
the question that begs to be asked here, is this: If
you've actually gotten WELL with all that therapy, why would this
material be upsetting you,
to the extent it apparently has? (This is a rhetorical question,
of course--I will not be reading/responding to future emails from
you.) I do want to congratulate you on making it to 70. I think
that in itself, is a victory. This
article may interest you, if you haven't yet bothered to read
beyond whatever piece you've alluded to, and it seems you have some
entrenched Waif
features. Other than that, you are welcome to visit other sites
on the Internet that take a more sympathetic view of this disorder,
and the carnage Borderlines leave in their wake. Mine are geared
toward helping folks survive these relationships, and gain
a 'sense of Self.'
Q.
Is the Narcissist intimidated by the Borderline?
A.
Yes, and no. Insecure people are often intimidated by those more
brilliant or beautiful than they, and this can be true for the Narcissist--but
the issue of 'intimidation' is more about their perceived level
of need, which I speak to here; HAVEN'T
WE MET BEFORE? The Borderline/Narcissist Couple. Needing
is exceedingly uncomfortable for narcissistic individuals, because
it implies a loss of control, and inability to maintain their (grandiose)
one-up position.
Q.
Ms. Schreiber, I've read (and reread) your articles on BPD, and
wish to thank you for making this information available on the Web.
My psychiatrist initially referred me to your site, and these materials
have been enormously helpful, in getting me through the toughest
time in my life (literally, 'saving
my life, after loving a Borderline')! I cannot thank you enough.
I've spent time on a few BPD message boards for extra support along
the way, and I'm frankly shocked that one of them (BPDfamily.com)
is maligning you, saying your license was canceled--and you're claiming
to be someone you're not. I've found your materials to be more helpful
than anything else I've come across (including several BPD books
I've purchased), to help me better understand my ex, and why this
relationship was so gut wrenching. I don't think I could have gotten
through all this, without your help. Thank you, and God bless!!!
A.
You're very welcome! I completed a 6-year Marriage
and Family Therapist private practice internship in 2001, so perhaps
this is showing on record. I took both Calif. state boards, passed
the first one and was preparing again for the second, when I met
with a serious accident in 2007 which could have killed me--but
thankfully only left me with painful bruises, scrapes and a bad
concussion. Around this time, I surrendered my application for MFT
licensure, because I wasn't capable of focusing, or sitting for
that upcoming exam. The BBS refunded my application fee, upon receiving
ambulance documentation of the incident. Life offered a detour along
my path, and I chose to take it. I have never misrepresented myself
or my services--as I'm not in the 'therapy' business. Everyone who
seeks my help is informed up front, that I do not
work as a state licensed clinician--and there isn't anything on
my site, which suggests that I do. This hasn't seemed to be a deterrent
so far--even with clients who are practicing psychologists or psychiatrists.
I had a run-in with the director of the blog site you've mentioned,
awhile back. Apparently, he found one of my
articles valuable, and (despite my non-consent)
used it in a PDF file! I'm guessing he might want to discredit or
devalue me now, as revenge for my not granting him that permission.
Ah well, sticks and stones.
Q.
How condescending Skip at BPDfamily is towards you--and he sure
does like to copy your work! This is blatant plagiarism,
if you ask me. Almost point by point they copied you - barely changing
the wording even! I noticed this before I read
your statement regarding BPDfamily at the end of one
of your articles. Hopefully everything will work out in your
favor. Just wanted to let you know that I love your work, and please
don't get discouraged by this snake--your articles literally saved
my life. Thank you!
A.
Thanks, dear--you're very kind. I am pleased that my materials have
been helpful to you! Keep up the good work. I'm hearing from other
members on BPDfamily who are as disturbed by Skip's derisive fabrications
about me as you are. Isn't it odd that he keeps stealing from my
articles, when he thinks so poorly of me? It would seem this epitomizes
valuing/devaluing behaviors, but you be the judge.
Q.
Shari, I know you claim to not 'hate' borderlines, but your articles
seem unsympathetic to them, and come across as well, just plain
angry. Why?
A.
The best way for me to respond, is to ask: Is anger an emotion you
ever allow yourself to feel? When you do experience
anger, do you feel guilty or bad about it afterward? Have you held
judgment toward yourself about this feeling, and others as well?
An emotionally sound person will not tolerate the feelings
an abusive relationship invokes, and they'll get the hell out.
My work (and articles) give you permission to feel all
your emotions, without recriminations, censure or self-ridicule--so
you can grow healthier and more whole. Whether
you're a Borderline or not, that's the goal of
healing work.
Q.
i read your article on male borderlines...having been involved with
a female borderline i was curious to see if i fit the bill for male
borderlines...your symptoms are so generalized that they fit
99 percent of the modern male living in this age of anomie...i decided
i was a borderline...as was abe lincoln, albert einstein, doctor
drew and thomas jefferson...your article is what is classically
wrong with all self help books...they are one paragraph extended
to 150 pages of repetition for the publisher...to quote tony montana
in scarface "say goodbye to the borderline". (Printed
as received. Full name given--but withheld here, for the sake of
anonymity.)
A.
Hmm, it appears my very "generalized" material has really
struck a nerve. Standard narcissistic denial/defense is to try and
globalize issues;
"oh well, everyone's like that" but they're not.
Maybe I'll let you know when the book comes out.
NOTE:
Older entries have been archived, and can be located here.