Surviving the Crash after your Crush
By Shari Schreiber,
following material was written for individuals trying to recover
from a relationship that's had toxic consequences for them, and
is not intended as a support resourse
for Borderlines or anyone with BPD traits. If you suspect that you
have these traits, please leave this website and redirect your attention
to alternative web content, which might feel more congruent
with your personal views and needs. Thank you.
be learning about emotionally dangerous men here, and how to avoid
them. There are very few females who haven't encountered a borderline
disordered male at some point during their lifetime, whether
he's been a fellow employee, a boss, a neighbor, or somebody from
an online dating site--where there's an exceptionally high ratio
of them. Just wanna get laid?? Stay right where you are. Seeking
a healthy partnership? Stop fishing in contaminated ponds, and commit
to the hard inner work it takes to heal and grow, so you can finally
accept the love you need.
I had a challenging time starting to write this article, because
the bulk of people who contacted me about their BPD relationships
had been men, but I kept getting letters from females who said,
"what about us~ why aren't you writing about
our experiences with this type of personality??"
was fortunate to have had brief encounters with narcissistic
or borderline disordered males, and they taught me about what to
avoid. When I began recalling and including those experiences in
this piece, it flowed. As many more women began contacting me for
help, their stories very closely echoed and confirmed what I'd already
written, and this seemed to give extra weight or validity to the
I've been 'lucky in love' ~or perhaps I was just very careful and
discerning. All my significant, lengthy relationships have been
harmonious and loving. These were the right men at the right time,
and we enjoyed mutual admiration and respect. Whenever I met someone
who felt a bit 'off' to me, I declined a second date. I'm sure that
trusting my instincts saved me from a lot of heartache.
Let this literature serve as a guide, that can help you learn to
honor and trust yours.
material attempts to explore and expose borderline
personality features and narcissism in males as comprehensively
as possible, so you can begin to rebalance/heal from your most tormenting
relationship experiences. Browse the various sub-sections in this
piece while you're visiting--they describe the intricate aspects
of personality disordered men and their behaviors. Don't try to
read this text cover to cover or all in one sitting, as
it's very detailed and lengthy.
are not always borderline disordered (they lack psychotic traits),
but Borderlines are always narcissistic, as each lacks
capacity for empathy. Can these issues be cured?
Yes, but it requires highly specialized care, and
tenacious commitment by the client/patient to do some very courageous
and difficult recovery work.
sometimes inundated with letters from irate BPD males who insist
they have tremendous capacity for empathy,
but they've likely confused this term with sympathy, and
the two words by definition, are very different.
not that there are actually more women than men with BPD, it's that
we haven't identified the ways it manifests in males,
as pathological. We might have climbed on-board with the 'male bashing'
some women have promoted, and assumed this gender had innate deficits
when they've acted like "jerks," but what's often spawned
our pejorative view, is aberrant behavior patterns in men with borderline
traits. Does that rearrange your mental files??
BPD traits include; impulsivity, passive aggression, lying, stalking,
lack of empathy, poor self-worth, drug/alcohol abuse, extramarital
affairs, rageful outbursts, depression/suicidal ideation, inability
to tolerate difficult emotions or self-soothe, self-harming behaviors
(or accident prone), cognitive distortion and projections, splitting
(love you/hate you), physical volatility or violence, rebound relationships,
anxiety and/or OCD issues, self-sabotage in personal and professional
realms, an incapacity to want you unless they
can't have you, extreme jealousy, narcissism/grandiosity,
selective memory/recall, black or white thinking, verbal exhibitionism/incessant
talking, codependency (and other addictions), sarcasm, control issues,
eating disorders, emotional blackmail (ie suicide threats), childhood
molestation, pedophilia, dissociation from feeling/"black-outs,"
perfectionism and rigid or opinionated, insatiable need for attention,
and attraction to inaccessible women or long-distance
colleague who works almost exclusively with male borderlines, has
told me that they generally present as commitment-phobes
and sex addicts, which seems logical--for at the
very core of borderline pathology, is an attachment issue
that starts in infancy, with Mother. This is addressed more
fully below, under my subsection; THE WIZARD OF ODDS.
not been my intent to neglect or overlook gay or bi-sexual males
here, but in my work with borderline males and those trying to recover
from loving them, the bulk of this text applies, regardless of sexual
or gender preference.
Personality Disorder in men is harder to recognize than in women,
because their seductions are usually emotional, rather than sexual.
The Male Borderline may appear 'normal' in contrast to other men,
who seem so afraid of closeness, they're back-peddling before your
second date! BPD males tend to come on strong~ and if you're hard
to get, they come on stronger.
simplicity's sake, this piece names the borderline disordered male,
Casanova. Seducing women feeds his narcissism,
and fills his core emptiness~ it's his addiction. Since he cannot
form solid/healthy attachments, he takes hostages. Make sure you
don't become his next prisoner.
you may be intrigued with his unique openness and vulnerability,
since you haven't encountered this in other males you've known.
It's refreshing to find a guy who doesn't censor his feelings or
thoughts, and seems emotionally accessible! It's incredible that
this man appears so completely without guile, he almost instantly
puts you at ease and inspires your trust.
appreciated for your qualities, talents and attributes, and admired/respected
for the woman you've become. He's extremely attentive at first,
and wants to be with you constantly, which is like music
to your soul. As this courtship picks up speed, you feel lucky to
have found such a considerate, thoughtful, loving man~ but as you
begin trusting that his pronouncements of love are genuine and
start envisioning your future together, things change.
makes sure you know how grateful he is to have finally found you,
because you're "like no other woman" he's ever known.
His enthusiasm and glee seem authentic: One of my ex's would initially
remark how great it was, that he'd finally met a female
who was his "intellectual equal." This elicited my prophetic
response; I hope that what you're loving now, you won't start
had warning signals just like you--and foolishly put them aside.
He'd just recently left a long-term marriage, and I knew
better than to get involved. He spoke rather critically about his
ex wives, yet couldn't figure out why they were all so insecure!
He'd dated a few females in-between his marital separation and meeting
me, but I sensed it was too soon for him to attach. My voiced concerns
about the wisdom of our timing, were always met with vehement
assurances that he'd wanted someone like me, his "whole life!"
Before long, I threw caution to the wind~ and it came back to bite
me on the fanny.
soon as a Borderline senses you're really His, he distances himself,
shuts down or finds fault with you. Your first mistake,
is thinking that's about You!
Borderline brings a whole lot of unfinished business from his childhood,
into your relationship dynamic--which was certainly no exception,
in my brief interlude with this kind of male:
brunt of his unhealed pain concerning the loss of other attachments
was transferred onto me--which couldn't help but create speed-bumps;
he'd tried to monitor/control my eating,
for one! His father ("The Doctor") died
of arterial disease, and his wife gained a huge amount of weight
during their marriage. Two sizable abandonments, for sure--but while
I'd gently point out that this stuff didn't belong with
me, and assured him I wouldn't get fat or die anytime soon, this
issue arose constantly! Resolving it, typically took hours.
our time together was marvelous, but these dialogues became exhausting--like
working on my days off. No question, I was doing all the
heavy emotional lifting in that relationship. Tears streamed down
his face, whenever I'd try to engage him on any topic we were struggling
with--no matter how soft my approach! This was his method
of shutting-down, and deflecting
resolution. When we'd finally get close to a breakthrough, he'd
kitchen-sink me (re-referencing former
issues that had already been fully discussed and resolved) in his
effort to throw me off track, and maintain control.
To be honest, I had recognized his narcissism early on, and foolishly
thought I could handle it--but this control issue kept rearing its
ugly little head, and it was profoundly injurious to our bond.
is blind. When you're with a Borderline, you'll see only
what you want to see about this guy--and
you won't begin to wake-up until he drops you on your head, and
you're drowning in so much pain and shame, you can barely breathe.
Even then you won't leave, because you'll keep hoping for
the good times to return--but beware! This male can turn your world
upside-down and inside-out, to where you can hardly remember or
recognize that woman you used to be, before he came along.
about now you might be thinking, "surely even a painful
relationship is better than no relationship at all," but here's
the deal; hanging out with You can't actually kill you--but hanging
out with a Borderline, definitely can.
At the very least, your physical and emotional health will
CLOSE ATTENTION - IGNORE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
to personality disorder problems, is arrested emotional development,
which is catalyzed by maternal neglect and/or abuse during infancy
and childhood, and this is what you have in common with your
guy. Adult development can be accomplished, but it
takes time to mend the core trauma wounds that are inherently at
the root of this dysfunction.
of these males present as little boys, ambivalently in need of rescuing
or care. Their vulnerability comes across in a way that has you
seeing them as open and genuine--but watch out! Don't believe the
hardship stories they feed you, while asking for a "temporary"
loan or place to sleep. This type of fellow is discussed (below)
in; THE BOY WHO CRIED WAIF. Don't think for a moment, this
guy can't screw up your life, just because he seems so pitiful.
A 'victim' type Borderline will resent/harm anyone who
tries to be his savior; you're just kidding yourself, if you think
that You'll be the exception.
MALES ARE LOVE-AVOIDANT.
isn't that they haven't wanted love--it's
that they've never been able to trust it. You
won't change this, regardless of how much
you adore him--or how 'safe' you can make it for him emotionally.
It's not that things won't be good for awhile--but then he'll suddenly
run off with his old girlfriend or gal he met on an elevator, without
any thought for you.
you're a caregiver/codependent
type and you think you can help this fellow heal, get out
now. He had very disappointing and painful
relationship experiences with Mother, and you're not gonna change
this for him, no matter how you hard try to bridge that deficit.
Besides, no man wants to fuck his mommy, and if he does, he's way
more screwed-up than you think he is. He left home to get away from
her, and he'll do it to you! A Borderline's nature is paradoxical;
the better you treat him, the faster he has to find fault with you,
distance himself or push you away. In short, he won't
let you love him.
always a childhood template that sets up our attraction
to someone personality disordered. Perhaps your Borderline has traits
similar to Mom or Dad (though this attraction is primarily due to
unresolved attachment issues with mother), and you're familiar
with the relationship dynamics you've struggled with in this connection,
which keeps it thrilling. Childhood wounds must be repaired
and resolved, or you will keep being drawn to this kind of male.
Control issues and
addictions typically help Casanova defend against painful ambivalence
that's characterized by deep longing
but fear of needing, while constantly undermining
his personal strivings and attachment endeavors. He could routinely
pursue relationships with borderline disordered females, who are
incapable of sustaining authentic intimacy and connection~ which
makes the task of maintaining safe emotional proximity
a non-issue. Long-distance romances conveniently inhibit
deeper bonds, and quell his engulfment
is incapable of sustaining any type of emotion, including love.
He'll act-out his ambivalence or upsets, rather than speaking
with you about what's bothering him--and he'll always put the blame
on you for his feelings. You may presume that if you just
try a little harder to make him happy, it'll be possible to have
a harmonious relationship with this guy, but you're just dreaming.
Borderlines thrive on crisis, drama and chaos, which contribute
to their sense of aliveness--it's the main
reason why many are treatment resistant.
help unless/until he's in crisis. The catalyst might be due
to severe financial or health setbacks, but it's more typically
connected to trying to navigate/surmount painful relationship dynamics
with a lover who has BPD features that surpass his own.
Once his crisis is contained/resolved, he'll seldom remain for the
emotional growth work that's crucial for him to achieve adult development.
This portion of treatment is critical, for he will not be able to
let go of long-standing BPD traits (self-sabotage, crisis orientation,
passive-aggression, addictions, etc.) without it. The male borderline
in treatment is discussed in my subsection,
THE PRINCE OF TIDES.
TRIP TO THE MOON ON GOSSAMER WINGS~ OR JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS?
Chase is intoxicating for Casanova--outside of that, he
gets bored. Borderline females are the only
ones who are better at this game than he is~ and in truth, they
can hold his attention indefinitely. Years after their split, he's
still lamenting about the one who got away and insisting
it was "real love," even though his attachment fears caused
him to act-out, and surely hastened the death of that relationship.
you away from somebody else can fuel a borderline male's ego, and
ease his long-standing insecurities. He may have had a father who
cheated, and a variety of complex feelings about being left alone
to soothe his pitiful, victim-like Waif
mother, could prompt him to compulsively repeat his dad's
unsavory practices with pre-attached females.
from any sense of empowerment he may have derived from adopting
the role of surrogate mate for Mother, replicating his father's
antics helps him identify with the dad he never had, and
minimize his pain from the missing paternal bond. Stealing another
man's woman enables him to punish/shame other men, as he might have
relished doing to his father, as an abandoned little boy. This pattern
compulsively repeats, as he's acting-out unresolved rage from childhood
neglect and betrayal.
has love/hate relationships with females due to childhood deficits
with Mom, which left him with considerable emotional ambivalence.
Between trying to get boyhood needs met for nurturant attention,
and his belief that he must love and respect his maternal
tormentor, he continuously struggles to feel safe with attachment.
Many of these males were undermined by a dying father who made them
promise to "take care of Mother" in his absence.
No matter how toxic her presence, he just can't break that vow he
made to Dad on his deathbed.
has far reaching ramifications for a boy whose mother has narcissistic
and/or borderline features. My ex reported that a few therapists
he'd seen with his wife, commented about issues with his mother--but
he dismissed them out of hand. In retrospect, he needed serious
individual core work--but alas, he was a self-proclaimed
"Behaviorist," which is shorthand for young soul.
meticulous male had OCD features, which spilled over into our dynamic.
His perfectionism ran amok, and as he apparently needed to have
the upper hand in our romance, he'd instruct me on how
to do the most basic tasks! I viewed this with awe and disbelief,
as I'd taken excellent care of myself for over fifty years at that
juncture, and managed it very well without his input!
behavior felt infantalizing,
and made me presume he'd been with inept, insecure females before
me--or ones who'd somehow tolerated his narcissistic traits. Maybe
they'd just swallowed their feelings, and developed some
emotional and physical
insulation just to cope with his steady criticisms, and take
up more space in that relationship! (There's zero room
for your needs with a Narcissist.)
middle name is Rebound. His immediate need is to
replace you, when the affair falters. After an incredibly fatiguing
three months of dealing with the drama
in that relationship, I regrettably and sadly threw in the towel.
I had second thoughts the following day, and phoned (just six hours
later) to ask if we might give it one more try. He was "unsure."
As it turned out, he'd already lined up dates with several
new women online, to mitigate what must have been intolerable abandonment
shame. We resumed our dance over the next few weeks, but I could
never get our connection back~ and he lied about sleeping with others
while having unprotected sex with me! Not to worry my dear~
I got even.
YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT~ SOMETIMES YOU DON'T.
emotionally damaged male might have the gumption to tell you right
up front that he's not available for something serious. If he's
great looking and funny, you may only want to bed him, which is
okay! But the way he makes sweet love to you, sends a completely
different message than he's conveyed, and before long, you're convinced
he's changed his mind. Sure--that's what the last
gal thought, and now she's bleeding from every pore. Casanova doesn't
want to need you--but his flailing sense of self-worth
is dependent on you needing him.
you'll think you're going insane--because the contradictions
and mixed messages just keep coming. At first, you'll sweep them
under the rug and find ways to excuse them, but it get's tougher
to feel like you're on solid ground when the rules keep
changing. For example; he insists that you learn to sleep very close
or entwined--but just as you get accustomed to it, you'll begin
finding him on the farthest side of the bed. If you approach
this subject (even very gingerly), he'll scold you for not bringing
it up sooner--and make it seem like your failing! Borderlines
pull you in closer, then push you away; you'll either feel adored
and admired or devalued and dejected. Listen to Madonna's
'One Step Over the Borderline' for a sense of this.
may be a strong, well-established, successful woman with a mind
of her own, but the Borderline has an uncanny ability to whittle
you down until you're second-guessing and doubting yourself. Fairly
soon after your romance takes flight, he could coax you to "open
up" or let down your guard, and trust him more. Up to this
point, his behaviors have been loving--but you've gone with your
instincts so far, and it takes you awhile to let someone
in really close.
long-time friend eventually succumbed to the cajoling of such a
male. The minute she dropped her guard and gave him access to her
softer, vulnerable side, he phoned less, played crazy-making mind
games, found fault with her, and turned into an asshole. Having
fallen in love, it took my friend months to get over him--but her
body has held that trauma. She's left with a severe colon disorder,
which makes it impossible to even consider getting physically
or emotionally naked with a man again. At least she's safe from
more injury, but some toxic
shame remains. Don't just love with your heart--make
sure you're using your head.
game playing/testing phase can start pretty early. He could make
plans with you a week or more in advance--but never phone you to
firm 'em up, or address the particulars. So you're sitting around
wondering what to wear for the occasion, and thinking; "surely
he'll call soon, to fine-tune this date with me," but you start
to think he's either forgotten it--or may just not show up. This
crap is intentional. Any male who's excited about
somebody, goes that extra mile to make certain they're still on
the same page, and she's looking forward to getting together! Anything
else, is a manipulation. If you phone him to see where
you stand, he's learned how much bad behavior he can get away with
and what you'll tolerate--and it sets the tone for all that follows.
self-worth issues. His only way of gauging if a woman finds
him worthy of her time or interest, is by noticing her early willingness
for physical/sexual contact. That's his barometer.
Since he's never learned to regard himself as being lovable
or worthy of admiration and respect, he'll cast aside any female
who views him that way. In short, he dislikes himself, and won't
join any club that would have him as a member--but this can still
leave him wide-open to initial induction by a
was much younger than I, but we cultivated a lovely friendship.
He seemed to crave mentoring, and was consistently appreciative
about helpful insights or wisdom I offered. He was wildly flirtatious
from the very start of our association, but while I enjoyed the
fun banter, I never took it seriously.
friendship was rich and satisfying on many levels, but even as I'd
(once) imagined what might be possible beyond our emotional bond,
I was certain his core damage and lack of development would
surely make that a catastrophe. After some years, I learned that
BillyBoy had long maintained a fantasy that I wanted him sexually.
Apparently, he'd needed me to desire him, to fortify his self-image.
This fellow ritualistically lead with his sexuality, and seduced
females to validate his worth (and yes, he was gorgeous) but his
sense that I craved him that way, was purely wishful thinking and
I think his psycho-therapist (to be taken literally) ratified
his distortions of our relationship, but his passive dishonesty
eroded my trust in him beyond repair.
borderline lover is hypersensitive--to well, just about
everything. This guy will have you feeling just horrible about hurting
his feelings, even when you know you didn't mean a thing by that
silly, offhand comment you made about one of his relatives. He'll
sulk, become distant, or angrily bust your ovaries over some stupid
little oversight, to where you've begun walking on eggshells around
him, just to avert these agonizing occurrences!
Molehills become mountains, and no matter how careful you are, you're
gonna step on a land mine--and there isn't a darned thing you can
do about it. It won't be long, before the joyful parts of yourself
(like your sense of humor) die off.
doesn't mean he won't be sweet to you at times, or even generous--but
you feel imprisoned by his volatility, and how easily he's upset.
Soon, you'll be so cautious about setting him off, you practically
become robotic without feelings or needs--basically, a
Stepford Wife. Your body's still here, but your spirit and soul
feel dead. Think you love him? Loving's never painful,
unless you also have abandonment and attachment issues--and
if you didn't, you'd already be outta there!
DIPPING AND THE DOUBLE STANDARD
the middle of a battle or break-up, your Borderline could flirt
with, bait and bed a whole lot of folks. This leaves you open to
contracting all sorts of STD's, but his attitude when You
venture out during one of your separations and date another, is
tantamount to provoking a ten point earthquake on the Richter Scale!
Ironically, it's perfectly acceptable for him to do the Mattress
Mambo with as many casual partners as he wishes--but heaven help
you, if you draw outside the lines just one tiny bit; the seismic
reaction will be one you'll never live down! It makes no difference
how many times you point out these massive discrepancies concerning
your relationship hiatus by the way, he now has a dealbreaker
to clobber you with, each time you try to reconcile. Hypocrisy
is the order of the day with a Borderline. This keeps you confused
and off center--but you've gotten used to that by now,
presume he's telling you the truth about his sexual history, or
health. You may want to believe him when he says he's "clean,"
or just got an aids test--but the reality is, he's
used to lying, and fabricating/embellishing facts to get what he
wants, and you honestly can't know who you're dealing with, when
you've begun dating. Use protection--no matter what your
intuition is saying about this guy! Not doing so, could mean a death
sentence or living with a painful virus like herpes or genital
warts, he conveniently "forgot" to tell you about. This
happens to plenty of women. Don't be one of them.
LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT
dated a guy in my thirties, who I quickly sensed was neurotic. One
minute, The Meltz was all over me (like Doakes on Dexter),
and I couldn't even keep lipstick on, with all that kissing! The
next thing I knew, he was unreachable, distant and cold--but then
it would switch again. This Dr. Jekyll - Mr.
Hyde split in behavior and demeanor is a dead giveaway,
that you're involved with a borderline disordered male, and there's
big trouble up ahead.
may have accepted some blame for his erratic moods, because it made
perfect sense when he explained why he was withdrawn, frustrated,
angry or sad--and you wanted to help him. After all, this terrific
guy has chosen You to love, and share all these feelings with--aren't
you the lucky one?
tries to globalize
his behaviors, to make them seem commonplace or trivial. He'll diminish/humiliate
you for making mountains out of molehills, and "sweating the
small stuff." He'll make you feel wrong for accepting
his word on commitments he breaks! When he doesn't follow through,
he lacks the decency to apologize. If you confront this and hold
him accountable for his actions, he makes excuses, becomes
rageful and projects his shame and self-loathing onto you. He's
been with females a lot more desperate, who've let him get away
with this crap, but you don't have to. He's shown you who
he is, and who he isn't--and he's
not a man of his word. Do not trust him.
with borderline females, this fellow lacks boundaries and impulse
control. He could show up at your house or work unannounced, or
phone a ridiculous number of times during your day, which
will initially be delightful--but you'll later question whether
or not he's capable of tolerating time alone. He may be
awkward around your friends--especially when they're male. His jealousy
might be well hidden, but you can sense his frosty reserve when
he meets them. Any individual who takes your attention away from
him is perceived as a threat. He'll accuse you of the most
absurd indiscretions--and you'll feel as though you're constantly
defending yourself against his irrational fantasies concerning
other men in your life! No matter how much you reassure
him of your devotion, he just can't retain it. No Borderline
can. Loving Casanova is like trying to fill a bottomless
WHEN YOU THINK IT'S SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER . . .
if your radar's pretty sharp when it comes to men, and you think
you're exempt from falling for a borderline disordered male, think
again. This guy seems so wonderful at first, you can hardly
believe it! It's like you've been wishing for this kind of connection
forever, and now it's finally here. But as this relationship
progresses, you will feel increasingly frustrated, anxious, confused
and tormented. That fantastically open guy you first met
keeps shutting you out, and you end up painfully longing and yearning
for the way it was.
worked with quite a few male Borderlines. They phone me complaining
about relationship problems (no surprise there), but telltale
comments always give them away. Many are determined to tell me how
much younger they look than their chronological age, what great
lovers they are, and how every female they've been with sexually,
has declared them "The Best!" A
confident male doesn't need to talk
about his sexual prowess, or anything else he feels
sure of for that matter; income, job status, athletic superiority,
looks, academic achievements,
man's self-esteem is typically predicated on externalized
elements that reflect his success or accomplishments, rather than
having an intrinsic sense of lovability/worth for simply being,
as opposed to doing--which is a remnant from boyhood esteem
wounds, inflicted by a narcissistic parent (or two).
male is likely to choose-down, or select females he perceives as
needy or less powerful than he. Any woman who is whole or has greater
resources than he's recognized in himself, activates his abandonment
fears. If he does choose a partner who's relatively sound/healthy,
he'll systematically tear her down, and make her question her own
worth. In this way, he's always in the driver's seat, and abandonment
concerns are averted.
not unusual for codependency and borderline disorder to coexist
within the same individual. This dual diagnosis can frequently be
observed in BPD males who work in the medical, psychotherapeutic
or coaching professions.
is prone to having affairs with married women, or engaging in his
own extramarital dalliances. He persistently chooses 'safe' relationships
that have no chance of moving beyond a casual or superficial status.
He gets to be The Hero who swoops in and rescues damsels in distress
from stale/worn out commitments. He could have a desperate need
to be needed, if boyhood issues left him with shame
concerning worthiness. Childhood chaos or drama always ignites the
need to control our experiences, and drives codependent
relational dynamics that fortify the grandiose, false-self. These
defenses can be like 'rescue-remedy' for a damaged soul--but relief
behaviors that help one defend against inner fragility,
usually take the form of various addictions and/or compulsions that
undermine even the most sound relationship dynamics. Attachment
ambivalence consistently derails his ability to maintain deep, meaningful
ties. This impairment stems from boyhood self-esteem concerns, that
make it virtually impossible for him to be emotionally naked or
genuine with a partner who's actually available;
the abandonment risk that's triggered is way too frightening. Bottom
line, if a man isn't comfortable with himself,
how could he possibly be centered and straight with You?!
ONE THAT GOT AWAY (YOUR CONSTANT NEMESIS)
might talk about his past lovers, and make comparisons
between them and you. Since he can't feel passionate/dramatic yearning
for someone unless she's out of reach, his feelings of
"Love" are usually squandered on a former romance. A woman
who's present, loving and available doesn't trigger the difficult
emotions he learned as a boy, were about loving an unavailable
parent. It's highly inappropriate for him to compare you to anyone
else--and you should never tolerate it. This is
his distancing tactic, which makes you feel less-than, or not good
enough--and that's his intent. Why does he treat you so cruelly?
So he can make you feel jealous/insecure, and exercise more control
over you and the relationship! If you're sticking around, make sure
he knows he can't abuse you like this any longer--and hope to keep
you. A guy I knew, did this with every
female he dated! If Howdy Doody (that's who he looked like)
hadn't had just two redeeming qualities, I wouldn't have stayed
past the third date.
in love with a narcissistic male means you'll never feel busty enough,
thin enough, bright enough, tall enough, etc. He may not convey
his disdain or disappointment directly, but you will always feel
inadequate. The truth is, he's insecure at his core--so he has to
throw a shroud around your flame, to make his own glow
a little brighter. He may never compliment you, but you'll surely
know about the imperfections/deficits he sees in you.
narcissistic father does the same to his children. They grow up
trying to please a parent who is not given to praise--unless their
accomplishments reflect on him, and he can take credit
for them. This behavior is wounding to their self-esteem, and drives
compulsive perfectionism which can compromise their
AND THE GURU COMPLEX
are easily taken in by the Borderline's apparent brilliance and
base of knowledge. In direct contrast to the instability you've
observed in this male, there have been times you've glimpsed what
seems to be his wisdom, his spirituality and his incredible knack
for stating things that make him sound like the absolute
authority on health and well-being. Borderlines are usually plagiarists
and copycats. They may have read a plethora of
self-help books along their life-path, which helped them assemble
their broken inner shards of tile into a mosaic of sorts, that resembles
a whole/definable self-image. They've got a remarkable capacity
to mimic or parrot information they've read or heard--which helps
you presume they're healthy and sane. This characteristic
is particularly common among Borderlines in the "helping"
professions--which amplifies the volume on your ambivalence and
confusion about these guys. The central problem with their Guru
Complex, is that they can talk the talk--but there's
no way they can walk it! That would require
is a by-product of emotional (and moral) development.
these lines, Borderlines may alter their identity.
They'll adopt a name or nickname that's different from the one they
were given at birth. Just as plastic surgeries and body ornaments/tattoos
change one's self-perceptions, Casanova could attempt to elevate
himself to higher status, by shedding his persona in favor
of a new one. This may take the form of choosing the name of a famous
celebrity or historical figure, and it's rooted in self-loathing.
We could speculate that Jesse James (once married to Sandra Bullock)
has BPD features. In his book, American Outlaw he reportedly
uncovers his childhood abuse. Sex addiction, infidelities and poor
self-worth are symptoms of early neglect
and abuse, which is central to Borderline Personality Disorder.
narcissistic or borderline disordered male could be a verbal
exhibitionist. He has an answer and anecdote for virtually
everything under the sun--and you can't shut him up, as he regales
you with little known facts on any topic you have the patience to
hear about! So, while you're trying to get a word in edgewise and
have a dialogue with this guy, you must listen to his endless monologue,
instead. This is just one trademark of his grandiosity, and you're
his captive audience. This feature might have you respecting and
regarding him with awe (especially if you have self-worth issues),
but there's precious little room for you in this
relationship, and you'd better get used to that.
CAN'T MAKE A FRUIT SALAD OUT OF A BANANA.
could be parsimonious in bed--but if he's generous, your orgasm
is His--not yours. He's so darned busy pleasing you, he's a spectator
who's not engaged in the game. The most pleasure he can take for
himself, is thinking he'll stand out among all other lovers, who
will pale against your memory of him. His narcissism
is profound, to say the least. The sex may be great, but it could
be the only part of this deal that is.
guesting on a web
broadcast with Dr. Tara Palmatier of ShrinkforMen
on 10/3/11, a male caller stated that he had always been drawn to
dark and dangerous females. He boasted about "burning them
out sexually," to where they couldn't sustain the relationship.
I asked him if he ever considered that he might have a sex addiction,
to which he replied no--but when I asked him what he did
when he felt empty or dead inside, he couldn't answer. This guy
suddenly began advising other men about dating and sexual
practices, as I'd apparently struck a sensitive nerve, and his narcissism
couldn't handle it.
is fairly common among men with personality disorder features if
they've become close to you emotionally, prior to having sex. Men
typically get to their feelings through sex, which is part of their
bonding ritual. If this order is reversed, BPD males could have
great difficulty achieving and maintaining erections. In short,
the more you actually matter to him, the less he's able to perform.
This issue is demonstrated in the 2011 film, Shame.
a committed relationship, his determination to please you wanes--unless
he can keep seducing you, when your attention is diverted
by something, or someone else. The borderline male kicks into high
gear to win you over, only if there's threat of losing
you. His grandiose ego can't tolerate competition, yet he thrives
on it. The 'seduction phase' feels activating and heady--and (like
all addictions) floods him with sensations of aliveness. He literally
lives for these episodes, because he feels empty and dead
inside, without them.
lifetime of avoiding those difficult feelings, stirs his
frantic need to remain attached--even after your relationship has
bit the dust. He may be obsessed with rescuing compulsions if there
features in his makeup, but efforts to escape his core pain/emptiness
will eventually be transferred to another, once you've ended all
contact. This doesn't mean that you won't ever hear from him again.
He may check in now and then, to test the waters and see if there's
an opening (or catch you in a weak moment). No response
is always the best response.
might want to resolve any unfinished business between you on friendly
terms--but you'll never win with
Casanova, or have him view you as he did initially. If you keep
hitting this ball back across the net and let him bait
you, your conversations could feel devaluing/shaming--and you'll
just be helping him drive you crazier, with each contact. He's
toxic. Move on.
MY DEAR, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
to popular belief, the borderline male isn't necessarily compulsively
drawn to sex--and in truth, he may be withholding and aloof concerning
your needs for sensual contact. The Casanova Complex is
purely about seduction. He has to exert control
over you, whether that be financially, emotionally or sexually.
Interactions must be on his terms, or he doesn't want to
play. This can take the form of 'booty calls' in the middle of the
night--or whenever it's least convenient for You. He may
press you to satisfy his sexual proclivities (anal intercourse,
fellatio, donning provocative outfits/costumes, sadomasochistic
practices, watching porn, etc.), without any concern for what's
comfortable or pleasurable for you. What else
would you expect from a narcissistic guy?
can be openly misogynistic (woman hating), or they may wrestle with
substantial mistrust of females. Covert or secret fears concerning
trust, combine with self-esteem issues, that trap males
in emotional ambivalence, and leave them vacillating between loving
women and despising them. This is the legacy that's left to them
by their mothers. It seems that Jewish men are
particularly at risk, due to engulfment
struggles during childhood.
girls are raised to think of themselves as Princesses. This false
sense of entitlement carries into their adult relationships, which
is the basis for them using men to fulfill material desires,
rather than loving them. This has far reaching repercussions for
the son of a BPD mom who teaches him this by example, for he is
programmed to provide, but expect little
in return~ which deters trust in a potentially nourishing, intimate
of closeness/intimacy plays out in all sorts of ways. A guy can
bitch and moan for decades about not getting enough sex
with his wife--yet he's thirty pounds overweight, has bad breath
or poor body hygiene, isn't home most of the time due to "work
demands," flirts with others in his partner's presence, etc.
There's a payoff for
maintaining these systems, because this damaged connection is always
"the woman's" fault. He sees himself as a victim
of her neglect--but he's simply reconstructed
his boyhood dynamics with Mother.
often uses a long-term relationship or marriage as his springboard
for flirtations and conquests. Without this relatively stable 'home
base,' he's usually at odds in the world of women, due to his insecurities.
His emotional development is stunted, so he's basically a pre-adolescent.
His devoted wife or lover represents the safety/security of the
mother he never had; still very immature, he cannot
negotiate life on his own--so he's reassured/comforted when she's
at home waiting, when he returns from his escapades with others.
you catch your man cheating and call him out, he'll probably deny
it until the cows come home--even when you're smelling
her on your bed sheets, or finding strands of her hair
in his truck!! The borderline male will concoct all sorts of lies
to throw you off his scent, when he's screwing another woman. There
will be out of town business trips, nights out with "the guys,"
lunches or dinners with clients, etc., that you'll have instincts
about, but you won't confront. Females are highly intuitive creatures,
and I have always believed that a wife's gotta be blind, deaf and
dumb, to not know what she already knows. There may be
myriad reasons why she doesn't want to rock the boat, but she senses
when someone else is messing with her meat.
guys could have some real knock-down, drag-out fights about this,
and you might kick him out or he could leave for awhile, only to
crawl back with his tail between his legs, begging for reprieve
from emotional exile. He may promise never to do it again, and you'll
want to believe him--but remember that story about the scorpion
and the frog? This is his nature, he's lacking in character, and
he's not gonna change (not in your lifetime, anyway).
you are the wife of a Borderline or Narcissist, and you've finally
decided to leave (after trying for years to make your marriage work),
he'll likely collapse into inconsolable depression. No matter how
many infidelities he's had, your husband's childhood abandonment
trauma will get reactivated--and he'll be howling at the moon in
shame, for months afterward. What men never seem to comprehend,
is that when a woman's given everything she can, there's no turning
back. For better or worse, when she's finally done, she's
BOY WHO CRIED WAIF
male borderline can come across as charismatic, seductive and powerful,
which are characteristics that are especially attractive to female
borderlines, or he may be humble, self-effacing, disempowered and
by life events and relationships. Whether a Superman or Waif, you'll
need to keep your antennae circling, and trust even your most subtle
impressions. A fixer/rescuer-type
individual is a prime catch for the waif-like male.
matter how much cheerleading you've granted him, the male
waif makes you feel guilty for not believing in him enough, while
he tries to get his ship in the water--but how is it, that he hasn't
accomplished this over the past few decades before he met you??
Any relational upset "diverts" him from his goals, so
you have to stifle your frustration, anger and sadness--or he'll
hold you responsible for his 'get-rich' schemes
not working out. In other words, you keep paying all the bills,
while he rants at you for not caring about him or his success, accuses
you of "only caring about the money,"
and makes his failings and setbacks your fault! He might
even get sick or injure himself on a frequent basis, to elicit your
care and concern--and get you off his back for expecting more out
of him. He could also blame You for his need to be with other
man-child can't tolerate any form of rejection. If you're not in
the mood to make love, he's inclined to personalize your
unwillingness to immediately fulfill his libidinal needs. He'll
guilt you for abandoning him, not caring about him or "being
withholding"--even when it's right after he's been abusive,
and you're trying to recover emotionally and/or physically! This
discord typically provokes his rage, which lands you right back
into an abusive cycle. The BPD male has unresolved primal
needs, due to lack of bonding with Mother during infancy; the only
way he's able to experience closeness, is through sex and touch.
Grown adults have the ability to connect intimately in other domains
of their relationships (spiritually, emotionally, cerebrally, etc.)
but the infantile Borderline has difficulty with mature interplay,
and typically relies solely on sex as a means
feel objectified in this type of relationship. Some of these males
can't climax with you face to face, or with their eyes open. During
intercourse, he might prefer to orgasm only when you're turned away
from him or he can penetrate you from behind. His difficult maternal
bond could have inhibited capacity for intimate lovemaking with
females, and you might sense that you're just a convenient outlet
for his masturbatory fantasies~ a receptacle to fuck and ejaculate
into/on, much like strictly casual sex between men offers. Might
he have latent homosexual tendencies, given emotional trust could
never be solidified with Mother? My guess is yes.
traits are common among men who live off the generosity or sympathy
of females. No self-respecting male can let a partner support him
long-term; if he does, he's sitting on some unresolved rage concerning
women. It's like payback for the trauma a demanding/controlling
mommy has left behind, and it's passive-aggressive. Subconsciously,
he needs you to adore and take care of him, no matter what--but
he'll eventually turn you into the kind of woman he left
home to get away from. He's like Peter Pan--he never grows
a strong tendency in some of these men to avert monetary success
if they've grown up with engulfment issues, and staying single
feels safer. On some level, they know that most women will eventually
reject them, due to their lack of financial responsibility or success.
They'll lament this, and blame these females for being "shallow,"
but this 'deal-breaker' is actually their payoff for remaining
poor--it helps them avoid real closeness and commitment. Do
not fall in love with a guy for his "potential."
It's a recipe for disaster.
he's made you cognizant of his boyhood wounds and deficits or not,
you'll try to avoid stepping on any emotional land mines, you've
intuited are buried in his past. You might want to be a totally
different female than the one(s) he grew up with--but that doesn't
fit his emotional profile. He's far more familiar/comfortable with
drama and neglect, as that's what feels 'normal' to him. Given the
nature, when you love him more, he loves you less. As your
relationship grows more copasetic, calm and stable, he's more likely
to sabotage it with betrayals, addictions, compulsions,
waif-like male could be considered The Quiet Borderline. You might
regard him as effete, as he can seem relatively devoid of masculine
essence (if you didn't know better, you'd swear he's gay!). He's
soft-spoken, passive, and avoids confrontation of any kind. He could
be drawn to strong, independent women, if his mom was domineering
or controlling--but they're not sexually attracted to him. They
may embrace him as a friend, but getting naked with this guy would
feel akin to climbing into bed with a gal-pal. Unless a woman is
fearful of men and masculinity, she'll
be wanting a counterbalance to her feminine aspects--and won't settle
on guys who are disconnected from their primal natures, which is
fallout from a castrating parent, during boyhood.
BPD Waif often approaches professional dealings with a sob story.
His lack of funds or finances are always conveyed up-front, when
trying to negotiate any type of business transaction (even therapy).
This behavior is part of his survival reflex that's become habituated--but
its roots go all the way back to his childhood. Given it was impossible
to get Mother's attention or care unless he was severely
hurt and/or bleeding, he's been programmed to elicit sympathy in
reference to all his needs. Since this has become his life-script,
he's doomed to remain episodically pitiful and broke. Self-sabotage
is a huge piece of Casanova's picture, and may take the
form of chronic ailments or frequent mishaps.
could hear statements like "you'd be better off without me"
from this guy, and your Borderline's martyr/victim traits can appear
to be altruistic and concerned about your well-being. In reality
though, he wants you to refute his words, and convince him you'll
stand by him, in spite of any financial or emotional setbacks you'll
likely suffer. In short, you're being manipulated.
fiercely entrenched is the Borderline's need to control
his reality, he must regularly create opportunities to
pull himself back from the brink of disaster. These destructive
cycles may encompass dangerous emotional or sexual liaisons, high
risk business ventures, neglect of personal finances and/or health,
neglect/abuse left him with severe entitlement issues, so he feels
undeserving of abundance/prosperity. The enlivening challenge of
repeatedly surmounting those early traumas, gave him a
semblance of power--which is key
to his self-defeating compulsions. Like Houdini, he's compelled
to keep surviving perilous conditions, just to prove to
himself that he can--but even Houdini finally succumbed
to one of his death-defying performances!
this Borderline to begin tolerating love, success
and a real sense of joy, there has to be a paradigm shift. This
takes some hard core therapy, which challenges everything
he grew up believing about himself. If he's wrestling with addictions,
they're not just used to numb his pain--they're used to foil his
glee, for he is considerably more at ease with struggle.
He's the Eternal Martyr; it's simpler to keep circling the drain,
than to climb out of the sink.
WIZARD OF ODDS
only kind of closeness/connection Casanova can usually muster once
the relationship is underway, is sexual. You could
crave that sense of emotional attunement you had in the
beginning, but seldom find or retrieve it. Casanova typically had
a Borderline mother, or one with BPD traits. Given her inherent
lack of boundaries, she might have been playfully seductive with
her maturing son, expecting him to respond to her charismatic, alluring
moods when she felt empty, or dissatisfied with her romantic partnership.
Even her carefree/casual naked or semi-nude exposure around her
boy past his toddler phase, may have left him with unresolved Oedipal
struggles, and conveyed the message; females are unwholesome/easy--and
most certainly unboundaried. He'd also develop a grandiose
sense of mastery over women, in terms of how to please, seduce and
control them. Throughout adulthood, this entrenched, narcissistic
false-self would mask boyhood insecurities.
borderline disordered male typically learns about being a Man, from
his mother. As absurd as this sounds, she was the more influential
presence in his life. His father was either passive/compliant or
rageful and abusive, and spent a lot of time away from the home.
Borderline mothers may try to mold their sons into somebody who's
very different from the man they've married, which has far reaching
repercussions for a boy's self-esteem. Alas, he is tragically the
seed of his father's loins--and subconsciously there's
no way around this shame; "if
my dad's bad, so am I." At the same
time, Mother's views are heavily biased and typically distorted,
as to how men should behave. This boy sadly has no choice
but to observe a parental
dynamic which will catalyze codependency issues, narcissistic
grandiosity and pathological perfectionism as he grows to adulthood.
ideation of women could have easily been sullied by his mother's
continuous parade of lovers if she was single--or extra-marital
affairs if she wasn't. Her moral deficits and unbridled impulses
forced her son to compete for attention with every stranger who
shared her bed, while no consideration was given to how her choices
impacted him. Shame gets triggered for a boy whose
mother acts whorishly. He has to either normalize her indiscretions
in order to tolerate them--or hate her for betraying his respect
and trust. This duality of feelings can't help but cause a split
in how he regards and relates to other females, and it's how the
Madonna/Whore Complex is established.
old saying, "pay attention to how a man treats his mother"
has merit, but you'd better pay much closer
attention to how his mother has treated him!
affection or positive attention he got from Mom was solely on her
terms, and based on her immediate need for contact or mirroring--not
his. He came to learn that her ebullient episodes meant that he'd
receive a few crumbs of nourishment from her--but this was always
predicated on her moods, and it was fleeting. In this manner,
she programmed him to place his own feelings, needs and interests
aside to respond to hers--because God only knows when this feel-good
opportunity would come around again.
these pleasurable experiences with Mother, he was abandoned
or rejected and shamed. She'd scold him for the slightest infractions,
and make it seem as though any/all disappointments or annoyances
were his fault. Of course, he
grew into manhood holding this very shameful/negative self-view,
while compulsively striving for perfection, and growing deeply
enjoyable/nourishing episodes with his parent may have been infused
with some level of erotic physical or emotional interplay, he came
to compartmentalize and interpret these as Love--or a way to feel
close with someone. As there were no alternate means for him to
fortify this bond, he learned to objectify females (or
love only a parts of them), to meet his cravings for connection.
A woman isn't seen as a whole/live human being, capable of giving
emotional sustenance--but more a trophy that can
bolster/repair his fractured ego. Sex addiction
is fairly common among males who've acquired BPD traits.
a mother/son bond is eroticised, all future attachments are tainted
by this incestuous experience. Rather than growing up with a trusted,
supportive maternal presence, he's been cast into a complex adult
role of gratifying his mother's needs for attention--and has been
used to fuel her narcissism. This early conditioning sets him up
for rescuing compulsions--but he feels most confident and
powerful with his ability to seduce and satisfy. Other features,
qualities and talents he has, remain underdeveloped and/or unclaimed.
Such is the tragic outcome of emotional incest by a narcissistic
HERE TO NOCTURNITY
likes being flirtatious with you, as it fuels his ego when you return
what he construes as interest or attraction--but that doesn't mean
he wants to pursue something more. This friendly/suggestive banter
between you may span months or even years--but the moment you take
the initiative to make yourself more available, he'll back-peddle
like crazy. Instantly, there are all kinds of obstacles that prevent
his meeting outside the confines of your safe interplay.
This guy seems accessible--and yet he's terrified of closeness with
any female, he might actually value. If you confront
this directly, he'll put it back on your plate;
you of course, are the one who's responsible for
this not going further--the "mixed signals" are always
attributed to you.
relationships are pretty rare for this guy, due to fears of intimacy.
To assuage this concern, he'll be prone to having affairs or triangulating
his relationships with various substances or behaviors that help
him manage his terror about getting too close, or having someone
really matter. You may be the 'perfect' lover or wife,
and he'll still cheat--or work far too many hours. It isn't about
you. It's about his lifelong struggle with closeness, abandonment
and engulfment. You are not equipped to fix this.
thirsty for narcissistic supply/replenishment is Casanova, he could
have emotional affairs with women which
seem benign to him--but represent the kind of infidelity to you,
that cuts even deeper than sexual betrayal. He can maintain connection
with his past lovers in this manner, after promising you he's broken
it off. Again, he feels worthless and dead inside without all this
auxiliary attention, and the roots of this addiction are
buried in his boyhood.
may tell you every day, that he "loves"
you--but his actions don't back it up, and the words start feeling
hollow. You'll begin to resent hearing them, as you've recognized
they have no meaning anymore, and they never make a dent in your
loneliness. Your marriage feels like a sham; he's the roommate
now, who still expects husband privileges. His narcissism prevents
him from noticing your pain, or identifying with it. He's in his
own little bubble, which won't burst until
you've left--or kicked him out. This is when you'll see the 'waterworks'
(tears) and hear about his remorse. You've probably been here before.
Will you forgive him again?
MIRROR ON THE WALL, WHO'S THE MEANEST OF THEM ALL?
males are passive-aggressive. They'll hide out in their caves until
you back off anything that pertains to your relationship, rather
than have an honest conversation with you on important issues. With
StarrMan, I quickly learned to bury my needs and feelings;
the instant I tried to express myself, he'd just shut-down/withdraw.
Half the time, I'd work to fix that mess--until my therapist
back then, set me straight. There's nothing worse than having someone
exit a relationship this way. You're damned if you open your mouth
because you get abandoned by him, and damned if you don't, because
you're betraying yourself. This song by Willie
Nelson may strike a chord.
aggression in the Borderline man, means that he usually fights
like a girl. Rather than
direct verbal expression about how he actually feels, he'll
throw cunty, bitchy, sarcastic comments your way. These are often
muttered under his breath--but sometimes, they're loudly hurled
at you during a battle and it's impossible to defend yourself.
Either way, it's dirty fighting.
help you, if you point out anything the narcissist or borderline
perceives as criticism. Narcissism inhibits the ability
to peer into one's own mirror, and see the cracks there. Neither
of these personality disorders can tolerate any deficits or shortcomings
within the Self; that would involve the capacity to view
their real nature--rather than just the false-self
they've constructed to defend against inner fragility. The Narcissist
would sooner amputate you out of his life, and cut off
the offending part (you) that's highlighted his failings, than maintain
connection (no matter how nourishing the attachment).
you've failed to perfectly mirror/reflect the Narcissist, you're
no longer considered a favorable extension of himself, and he swiftly
removes you like a cancerous growth. Nobody is exempt from
being excised; not his child, his sibling, his therapist, his closest
buddy, nobody. The intense shame that's
invoked when you've seen behind his grandiose
mask, is the primary reason he keeps himself at arms length
in Love. Such was the demise of my thirty-year friendship with Brybaby.
PHANTOM OF THE OPRAH
may assure you of how much 'therapy' he's had. In my world,
there's a humongous difference between psychotherapy and healing
work. If he still struggles with an active
eating disorder or substance abuse problem, and his passive-aggressive
behaviors are driving you nuts, there's something very wrong there.
Movie Make-up was the Classic Narcissist who needed
to be needed. This was a sexy little guy, and I wanted to get into
his knickers--but oh, what a price I paid. His emotional
ambivalence and mixed signals were so blatant, he inspired my piece
on passive aggression.
It was quite obvious, he had to control the nature and pacing of
his relationships. A comment he'd made on our second date,
informed me there was zero potential for any future;
"I'm a vegan-vegetarian,
and that's my religion. I can't see myself building a life with
someone who owns leather furniture."
was ok--I wanted his body. I grew fond of him, but compartmentalized
the sex (which wasn't all that hard, in this case). His comments
throughout our affair implied he had me in the girlfriend box (or
needed me to think so), but I knew the instant I got on
that train, I'd be bumped at the next stop. Since he couldn't
control my emotions, he had to control the sex.
In short, he cut me off. When I asked about this, he denied anything
was wrong. He'd feign illness to avoid making love, but then he'd
tease and arouse me--only to depart, and leave me hanging. Underneath
his 'nice guy' facade, this man is sadistic, which kept manifesting
sexually during our time together:
ejaculation is a passive-aggressive issue that's a facet of male
impotency. It demonstrates a desire for connection~ but a deep fear
of it, as well. Casanova's quick orgasmic release serves only him
of course, and the woman's needs be damned. To
be clear; this is a male's withholding on the most intimate
level of human contact there is, and it's latent unresolved rage
acting-out behaviors don't start immediately, but the lying usually
does. He'll tell you what he needs you to believe about
him--nothing more or less. If you haven't grown to rely on your
instincts and intuitions (past childhood), you could be a sitting
duck for this guy. Our extra-sensory aspects are God-given at birth,
and they're meant to serve and protect us! Many of us were taught
not to trust our senses/perceptions as kids, which gets
us into a ton of trouble later on. Shutting down
or discarding difficult feelings early in life, leaves us with deficits
that come back to haunt us, in adulthood. Even your fight or
flight reflex is on the blink, because you've learned to think
your way through life, as opposed to feeling your way along.
This can be fixed.
UPON A TIME, IN A LAND FAR, FAR AWAY . . .
keep wondering what has happened to that amazing connection you
felt initially, because it's feeling very different now. These changes
tend to creep on rather insidiously; perhaps his nasty moods were
prompted by something work related, or someone else. Naturally,
you might have tried to comfort or cheer him up--but this often
made him more irritable or angry. He may have told you it had nothing
to do with you--but it certainly didn't feel that way.
Despite all this, you've courageously hung in there, hoping to recapture
that delicious sense of intimacy and closeness you shared at the
start, but the more you've reached for it, the more it's eluded
can't initiate any conversations about these disconcerting changes
that aren't turned right back on you; "If you would only
be more understanding, patient, supportive, loving, etc., this relationship
could be great." You'll look for the grain of truth in
his reasoning, because you're an adult who's learned to pull your
own covers off, and take responsibility for your actions. But he'll
never do this! You may occasionally hear an "I'm sorry,"
though he's way too damaged and narcissistic to admit any errors
mostly everything this man dumps on you, is a projection.
You're a bit too willing to absorb it, due to some unresolved childhood
pain--and the fact that you've been too hard on yourself, all these
years. Dealing with his abuse feels easier
than being alone with You, because when you're beating-up on yourself,
you can't defend against your attacker. Stop that!
IT LOOKS, WALKS AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, IT'S A DUCK.
abuse is just one of the ways that borderline pathology plays out
in men. Borderline males live with substantial emotional wounds
left over from childhood, that are difficult to face--much less,
feel. It's considerably easier for males to be
mad than sad--and since
anger is an activating emotion, it provides temporary relief
from more vulnerable sensations, like depression, guilt, self-loathing,
fear, disempowerment, etc. We get a far more accurate picture of
a Borderline's inner pain, when he's crying and deeply remorseful,
after landing his wife or girlfriend in a hospital's emergency ward.
This is the only time he can express fragile emotions,
without intense self-reproach. To suggest that domestic violence
goes on between normal folks, is lunacy.
has cut-off/dissociated from difficult feelings since early boyhood,
so his capacity for genuine emotions is severely limited. If he
could feel true remorse, there'd be emotional growth--and
he wouldn't keep repeating these brutal/destructive acts!
Sobbing and pleadings for forgiveness are associated with abandonment
trauma left over from boyhood. His deep sense of despair
after painful beatings or a parent's withdrawal for perceived
transgressions (no matter how 'perfectly' he behaved), left him
with shame. Toxic shame is not related to your
injuries--it's a remnant from his childhood anguish.
neglect and childhood abuse are at the crux of this disorder. Whether
his wounds are from physical beatings or psychic/emotional damage,
they've undermined his sense of Self. There could be sexual molestation
or incest in his background, which left him with questions concerning
his sexual identity, or the viability of his masculine essence.
behaviors that help mitigate this brand of boyhood shame
and/or guilt, can include addictions to pedophilia and porn. Self-worth
issues stemming from childhood will erupt in some way,
at some point. A man who was raised by a volatile, violent father
and passive/victim mother, is likely to settle on partners who have
his dad's traits, while adopting the mother's passivity
as his own. Since she's elicited his sympathy and concern, she's
the parent with whom he can identify (and is the lesser of two
evils, in fact). Childhood beatings do not in themselves, spawn
Borderline pathology. The roots of this disorder involve betrayal
by an adult 'caregiver,' who fails to protect
a child from harm, or another's cruelty. It appears that singer,
Michael Jackson was a tragic victim of this upbringing.
a commonly known fact, that the Jackson kids suffered terrible abuses
at the hands of their father, while their mother appears to have
turned a blind eye to it, and hid behind her religious convictions.
In my opinion, she's more responsible for her children's
emotional and psychological disturbances.
can any child fault the parent who's so devout, and blatantly pious?
He can't! Even the notion of doing so, is tantamount to
challenging God, which is considered a "sin"
that threatens to bring far more wrath. In a sense, he's imprisoned
by a warden who overlooks the atrocities that are dealt
parental roles may of course be reversed, if the mother is the more
toxic or dangerous presence, and the father's passive nature is
to hide-out in his work--or indulge various addictions/compulsions.
Twelve-step programs and strong religious affiliations can also
help him escape the constant torment,
haranguing and abuse that lands on his defenseless kids
instead. A parent who scapegoats their child for abuse by the other
parent, is in my opinion, a despicable coward.
always astounded, when I work with clients who have any
trust in God or sense of spirituality, when they've survived horrible
cruelty at the hands of their parents! To a small child, the
parent IS a god--someone
he/she trusts implicitly and automatically, to protect and care
for them. The stories I hear are utterly heartbreaking, in context
of the pain these people have endured, and I'm amazed at their capacity
to even approach trusting me.
PRINCE OF TIDES
you own a vagina, you're targeted for Casanova's charm and charisma,
because he must win you over, to satisfy his profound needs for
validation. Even therapeutic professionals are
'open game' for someone with borderline features. Some have stated
they couldn't work with me, because (regardless of our huge age
disparity), I'm "too attractive." I saw this as their
seduction compulsion, and avoidance/reluctance to doing the work
it takes to get well.
a Borderline is in treatment, the therapist is an 'object' to manipulate
and bend to his control, because he must control all his
relationships. He can be alternately seductive and belligerent during
treatment--yep, a regular Jekyll and Hyde. Some weeks, the therapist
is "brilliant," and he's ecstatic to have found
him or her. Other sessions, he's devaluing, argumentative, petulant,
sarcastic, etc. This all good/all bad reflex is central to borderline
pathology; it's referred to, as splitting. You
could literally feel like you need a shower afterwards,
to wash off the toxic residue that's left in his wake.
lapses in his childhood memory are silent clues as to how much abuse,
neglect and emotional betrayal he had to endure and dissociate
from as a little boy. I've seen tremendous denial in these
men, with reference to idealization of one parent, and rejection
of the other--based on who they've come to believe inflicted
the least or most psychic injury. The Borderline in treatment may
be 'A Lifer' in long-term care, particularly if he's tried to get
his needs met through standard therapy. He's armored, and his defenses
are thick, and often impenetrable.
nor Narcissists can tolerate therapeutic misattunements. Their desire
to distance or cut off therapy (especially when it's getting
close to a nerve or breakthrough), is pretty common. Some of these
individuals try to flood themselves with numerous other modalities
that help diffuse their reliance on any single
source for help (I call this The Buckshot Method); such is the extent
of their attachment concerns and abandonment terror. A sound, meaningful
therapeutic endeavor helps one experience corrective, authentic
interplay leading to conflict resolution, which involves two
beings. The client ideally takes this newfound ability into
his private world, having learned the critical distinction between
two hands clapping, rather than just one--which his narcissism
had halted earlier. Naturally, the question begs to be asked: Where
else would he learn intimacy skills??
often plays musical chairs with therapists. His needs are profound,
but given his inherent trust issues, there's less threat if he spreads
himself thin--and has a stable to choose from, the minute
he's in crisis. He's a serial patient, who's unlikely to spend any
more than two years (consecutively) in treatment. There's a separation/individuation
issue that's stirred before this juncture, which activates
subtle anxiety surrounding his fears of dependency and abandonment.
If this natural stage isn't addressed by the therapist, and resolution
cannot be gained, the client leaves--feeling that his needs can
no longer be responded to.
difficulties are characterological, meaning intrinsic or core
to how he's orchestrated his life and relationships. Inevitably,
the same issues resurface in his next romantic catastrophe,
and he begins anew with another therapist. Why won't he resume with
the last one who helped? His shame at being back in this hole in
the road prevents it--and his fragile ego can't handle being that
exposed or vulnerable.
this male's mother had BPD
Waif features, he grew up having to meet her needs
for attention, mirroring, flattery, emotional soothing, etc. She
could have made him her confidant in adult matters--especially concerning
issues with his dad. A small child is overburdened by these complaints,
and doesn't relish this role--but at the same time, all this special
attention from Mother imbues him with a sense of value/importance--which
forms the crux of his self-worth. Her awareness
of his needs is painfully limited, so he welcomes this
'surrogate husband' job, which (at least) provides vicarious satisfaction.
This sets him up for codependent relationships in his adult world,
for being needed
is his only way of bolstering/replenishing a very tenuous self-image.
and engulfment concerns resulting from this boyhood dynamic are
then transferred onto all later attachments. There's an automatic
reflex that comes into play with a mother-enmeshed man. Sensations
of closeness are entwined with loss of Self. Thus,
his inner narrative becomes; "if I get too close to you,
I'll have to relinquish too much of me." Commitment has
gotten confused with engulfment, which
means having to give up important needs and freedoms. Hence, profound
control issues have evolved, and he'll only choose females with
whom he thinks he can maintain the upper hand. A needy,
BPD female perfectly fits this paradigm--at least at the onset.
A man who persistently chooses borderline women, has severe
his therapist is especially nurturing/caring, a borderline disordered
male's engulfment concerns are triggered, particularly if he'd felt
responsible for his parent's happiness or well-being as a boy. He
has little frame of reference for someone being responsive to his
needs, and his grandiosity can't tolerate it. He must remain in
the one-up (control) position with all his relationships, and destroy
any type of connection that doesn't afford him this opportunity.
This issue is especially common among BPD patients/clients
who are psychotherapists.
inner work can invoke feelings of needing the therapist,
which instantly produce anxiety. This catalyzes his reflex to sabotage
that relationship with 'tests' he suspects may result in abandonment.
If this occurs, his entrenched belief that anyone who could have
value/importance to him will let him down or leave, becomes prophesy
fulfillment. Sadly, this reflex keeps real love
at bay--and he'll continue to dabble with Borderlines (and clinicians),
who have no real capacity to meet his intrinsic needs.
isn't that Casanova can't be helped--it's that he won't
be. He sets up all his relationships in such a manner that they
have no choice, but to abandon him. He'll act-out by confounding
and undermining any nourishing/supportive presence that comes his
way. Even after decades of focused, psychodynamic treatment, childhood
issues of unworthiness and shame stay entrenched and implacable.
His mother was easily overwhelmed and incapable of adequately
responding to his needs during infancy and boyhood. From this, he
concluded that meaningful, helpful attention and assistance were
not available to him. Borderlines are compelled to reconstitute
the early frustrations and deficits that prompted their intense
need for control. This control shows up in their
therapeutic dyad, as ongoing resistance to healing and growth.
the Borderline, winning takes precedence over getting
well. Thus ensues an endless power struggle with the clinician.
His narcissism resents anyone's expertise or wisdom eclipsing his,
so he's prone to selecting therapists who aren't equipped to meet
his needs. The ones who have the capacity to help, jostle
his defenses, and heighten his competitive reflexes. The one element
that can actually assist him in healing, is the thing he dreads
most--which is surrendering to someone's care. Even the loss of
a dysfunctional identity (en
route to becoming sound and whole), is too frightening to ponder.
NATURE OF THE BEAST
think, feel and function very differently than you--and the gargantuan
mistake that women make, is presuming they don't! See
the film, He's Just Not That Into You--and learn more about
When you've had sex with somebody early-on (like your first or second
date), it's because you've seen something you think is 'special'
about him--but he doesn't view it that
way; he simply assumes you're 'easy,' and you've put-out for any
guy who's come along! For a male to feel special about himself (or
you), he must work to win you. This ideology starts during
boyhood, when he's saving up his allowance or paper route money
for the things he really wants.
When he can finally afford to buy whatever that is, he places great
value on it and treats it with respect and care. If
there's fire in your panties and you're just needing sex,
none of this matters--but if you're looking for love,
you'd better start pacing yourself, no matter what your
age or generation.
are narcissistic, and incapable of empathy (the capacity to relate
to your feelings and needs). When it comes to gift-giving,
they'll purchase what they think you should have, as opposed
to what you actually want or need--unless they're in the seduction
phase. A great example, was Bob the Narcissist. Despite
my solid fashion acumen, he insisted on buying me some clothes (I'm
missing a chromosome, and hate to shop--you've gotta hold a gun
to my head, to get me into a mall). After a bit of a struggle, Bob
took me to The Gap, then approved (or didn't), everything I tried
on. He vetoed all of my choices, and we left with very little--which
was fine by me. To say this man was controlling, is a gross
understatement! Bob would invite me to his home, and then take a
shower--without leaving his entry
door unlocked. By the sixth or seventh time this goofy thing happened,
I was frustrated and furious enough to pummel him when he let me
inside. I'm thinkin' metaphor here--but as he was twenty
years my senior, maybe it was just senility.
is dangerous, not only because he's capable of physically violent
acts--but because the emotional stress of this
relationship, takes its toll on your body! Numerous women (both
friends and clients) have reported serious ailments, such as severe
colon disorders, breast or uterine cancers, stomach problems, migraine
headaches, etc., in the wake of these involvements--and these were
all physically fit/healthy ladies before they met their
might have composed lengthy, loving, rational emails, which described
recent events leading up to a perplexing rupture, while viewing
it generously from both sides, and offering well-considered
solutions to avert these types of speed-bumps from occurring again--but
your efforts were futile. If you've read those tomes after your
love affair ended, you'd see how hard you tried to make it work--and
it would have, if you'd been with someone reasonably healthy
and Narcissists are emotionally undercooked, which leaves them pretty
short-sighted--especially when it involves making promises they
can't or won't keep. They're pathological liars, who say
things in the moment they don't really mean, to lure you with fantasies
for a sublime tomorrow. I once knew a guy (Dan the Ferrari Man)
who stated very early on, that he wanted to protect me,
take care of me, and make the world a safer place. Frankly,
my world wasn't an unsafe place--but no
matter how independent a woman is, there aren't many of us who
don't want to hear those words from a main squeeze (I think
it's hard-wired into our DNA). With time, I started trusting that
he meant these premature declarations, and lowered my guard--which
was the beginning of our end. This fellow couldn't handle real
emotions--not his own, and most definitely, not mine.
honey, if you are still intent on dating a borderline man, rent
the movie Lonely Hearts starring John
Travolta and Salma Hayek. If after you see this film, you're wanting
to be with/stay with a borderline disordered male, strike up a pen-pal
relationship with an inmate on death row, at any penitentiary of
your choosing. At least he's behind bars, and you'll be safer from
harm. Or you could write to O.J. Simpson instead.
been married more than twice, do not rest assured
that he's capable of committing! Commitment is an emotional
issue, not a legal one. If he's got several failed marriages behind
him, don't be naive and buy into his stories about all those other
women who failed to love him well enough, or you
could be number five. This guy has made a career of matrimony--and
tosses women aside like tissues. In reality, he can't tolerate living
alone (or being with himself).
his inherent distrust of females, Casanova might never marry--or
if he does, it's very late in life, when he begins to sense that
he'll need someone around to take care of him, if/when
he can't get it up--or he's too old or sick to care about it. If
you wed an aging guy, you'd better get your nurse's hat
out of storage, and prepare to be his caregiver and mommy.
is no problem with somebody making a conscious
decision not to get hitched. Not everyone is cut out for cohabitation,
marriage and/or kids, and understanding and respecting this about
yourself and staying true to it, is every adult's prerogative. But
an over-ripe Casanova marries by default, and that's just
not right, or fair to his partner.
was an old buddy who decided in his late sixties, to "settle
down." He talked of wanting to marry, and I'm thinkin'
yah--to the winner go the spoils! This guy had more notches on his
bedpost than Carter has liver pills, but he was finally "ready"
to march down the aisle with someone he could stand to keep around--if
she was wealthy. Was he God's gift to women? Hardly.
TO RECOGNIZE A TROUBLED GUY, 101
you've started dating, and he tells you he likes and respects his
mom, explore this a bit further. If he claims she's a Saint
or Angel, run like hell! A man who keeps his mother
on a pedestal, is a dangerous man to love. First of all, he's in
heavy denial and hopelessly enmeshed--and
if he wasn't able to separate his needs and feelings from Mom's,
he won't have learned to do it with you! If she's still alive, you'll
be competing with her for his attention. If she's dead, you will
forever compete with his pristine memory of her--and never measure-up.
Either way, this spells disaster. There's a huge difference between
a guy who's had issues with Mother, and a man who's worked them
through in a solid/nourishing therapeutic endeavor, and dismantled
his rage and mistrust. He could have chosen to 'divorce' his mom,
if their relationship felt too poisonous/toxic~ but it's critical
that he heals from this boyhood trauma, and identifies/resolves
the issues he's inherited (like narcissism), thanks to
isn't that these men are bad people--but they could be badly damaged.
It is this damage, that inhibits their capacity to sustain
loving, intimate bonds. Many have attributes and qualities that
are enviable and admirable--in fact, I wish I'd bronzed one or two
of 'em for my mantle! All kidding aside, these guys can be generous
and sweet until they've hooked you--and by then,
it's too late to extract yourself from their clutches. Pay attention
to the pacing in your relationships; when a male comes-on
to you like gangbusters, watch your back! Once you're His, you'll
be put under a microscope, while he looks for even the most miniscule
excuses not to love you--so regardless of how fantastic
you are, he'll always manage to find a fly in the ointment.
search for the 'perfect female' is twofold; he's grown up feeling
that he needs to be perfect (devoid of darker feelings
or facets), to gain his parent's love or approval--and his attachment
fears keep him from loving someone he can actually
can seduce you for the heck of it--or when he's not interested in
pursuing you. A caregiver type I've known for many years
is so narcissistic, he thinks he's being noble/altruistic with his
tender gestures--while sending hurtful, confusing signals to women.
No female wants a 'pity fuck,' or even a kiss, if it isn't heartfelt.
His seduction routine is splendidly orchestrated, and he's diabolical.
Dating his patients, not only illustrates this Casanova's poor sense
of boundaries and impulse control--it's an ethical
breach, that could cost him his license to practice medicine! Professional
and personal risks of this magnitude, are frequently taken by emotionally
needy guy may phone you a lot during your day, but have little to
say. It's as if he needs to know that you're there--but meaningful
conversations aren't his strong suit, and you'll begin to wonder
about these boring, lifeless exchanges. You might get to a place
where you think you should let some of these go to voicemail, but
you're scared about any repercussions that might catalyze. What
if you hurt his feelings? Will you have to answer a barrage
of questions later on about what you were doing, that had you not
responding to his calls? Are you inclined to take far
better care of him, than yourself??
woman who attaches to a Borderline has difficulty accepting that
she's adored someone who has psychotic features--no matter how
pronounced his disturbing behaviors have been. Her childhood might
have been punctuated with distressing or painful experiences, that
left behind a relational blueprint that has predetermined self-worth
and partner selection. This early blueprint can undermine romantic
endeavors, and destroy solid/nourishing friendships.
seeks its own level," as the saying goes. We're attracted to
people who match our own level of emotional development.
If you've fallen for a Borderline, perhaps it's time you learn about
your abandonment issues and attachment fears, so you can
avoid reproducing this agony you're in right now.
THE FALL - IN THE WEE SMALL HOURS OF THE MOURNING.
strategies for winning you over are myriad--but when the affair's
over, you're left with this excruciating ache for that fellow who
swept you off your little feet. You'll only remember the good times
of course--if this were untrue, no woman would
sign-up for the pain of childbirth, more than once!
Borderline can leave you abruptly, which is nothing
short of devastating. He may pin it on some kind of deal-breaker
that suddenly seems untenable--like an age disparity between you,
your inability to bear a child, those little habits he found adorable--but
can't stand now, etc. You'll feel shocked and bewildered when he
leaves you for someone new, or returns to a former love
he'd always bitched about, while you patiently listened and comforted.
This hurts like your leg has been amputated. It's that
bad. Your pain won't faze him. He lacks humanity.
the aftermath of this affair, you've tortured yourself by assuming
that this failure must be your fault--and wondering what
you might have said or done differently, to make it work. You're
left with shame and painful regret about "what went wrong?"
and it seems like an eternity before you can even trust
yourself enough, to contemplate getting involved again.
The male Borderline is irresistible to
females: He's generous with his time and affection, he's a good
listener, he gives you presents very early in your relationship
(like your first or second date) and seems utterly captivated
by you. The trouble starts when he's captured you.
There's no way you could have seen this train wreck coming.
not that you want his crazy-making antics back, it's that you're
having a hard time sitting with the shame of feeling rejected/discarded.
At the heart of these intense sensations,
are the 'leftovers' from childhood abandonment. This archaic pain
is being stirred-up right now--but with a little help, you can
WE STILL BE FRIENDS??"
likely hear this question posed in slightly different ways by your
soon-to-be-ex-Borderline. Take a moment here, and ask yourself
what friendship means to you--and if you've ever been treated
with such disrespect, lack of concern and dishonesty in any relationship
you've come to regard as one you could trust. Friends
aren't just acquaintances--these are folks we've learned (over time)
we can rely on to have our back, as we have theirs. The
male borderline wants to keep you around to indulge his Ego. Sure,
you might get some benefit out of this deal, if you can get him
to work on your car, your house or body, but this prize
isn't worth the price you'll pay for maintaining contact.
This has never been a reciprocal relationship--and
it ain't about to become one now! Your
self-respect has suffered in this relationship, which will also
be true in your "friendship." If your fixing/rescuing
compulsions are so deeply entrenched, that you're willing to
dangle on the sidelines while he interviews new victims,
get prepared for some painful, humiliating times up ahead. You
have been duly warned. Proceed at your own
YOU A MAGNET FOR NARCISSISTS AND BAD BOYS?
borderline disordered male could seem nonchalant about your romance
at the start, or after you're involved for a relatively short period.
If your sense of worth is healthy enough to go looking for somebody
who appreciates you, the very instant Casanova senses there's competition
on the scene, he'll be fixated on winning you back. Don't accept
that his pronouncements of love are authentic at this juncture--his
ego can't tolerate your interest shifting to someone else,
and it's really as simple as that! His impassioned response is all
about him--not about you, or your importance to him. If
you fall for this seduction ploy, it won't be long before you're
feeling insignificant again--in fact, it's pretty darned close to
when he has finally worn you down and won you over (for the umteenth
can be a serious problem, if he suspects you're seeing another man.
Be sure and keep a low profile, and guard your date's property (and
yours as well). Borderlines usually act-out their
jealousy, insecurity, jilted egos, etc., with snooping around your
private world and vandalism, so avoid rubbing
his nose in your business! Keep your new activities out
of venues like Facebook and MySpace, change your locks, mount motion
detector lights around your home, and file a restraining order if
necessary. Be wise--don't tempt fate. In other words, don't harpoon
his ego, as there's often a heavy price to pay.
former client could not resist plastering her web page with a new
romance, despite my vehement, cautionary
warnings. When she divorced her husband, he sued her for gobs of
money--which she's still trying to pay off. In short, he
got even in the only way he knew how, to salve his poor,
brutalized ego. Frankly, I couldn't blame him. Castrating any
male is dangerous. Castrating a Borderline, can be deadly--or at
the very least, extremely costly.
you're persistently drawn to narcissistic men, there were serious
deficits in consistent, nourishing support and affection during
your childhood (usually with Mother), that set you up for
distressing, confusing relational dynamics in your adult life. Your
abandonment issues aren't about the father who left when
you were an infant or small child, they're about emotional deficiencies
in the parent who raised
you! This relationship template from your girlhood
keeps you choosing the 'Mr. Wrongs,' until you're ready to tackle
some inner-healing work.
OUNCE OF PREVENTION, IS WORTH A BLOODY POUND OF CURE.
way to avoid getting involved with a Borderline, is to smell his
neurosis at the start. Pay very close attention to how his interactions
make you feel. I met an absolutely gorgeous
man one evening when I was out on the town. We had a pleasant exchange,
and Mr. Spago insisted on taking me to dinner soon--but
kept asking what I saw in him; a definite red flag! This
guy was revealing how insecure he was, and that he'd already
begun projecting into our future, which means he's uncomfortable
with the present (hasn't learned to feel
his way along). He called later that night, and his message conveyed
how much he had enjoyed meeting me (good stuff). There were more
than a few voicemails from him over the next several days--but you'll
love this; he never left me a contact number--at
least, not until he likely grew frustrated that I wasn't just hanging
around, waiting for the phone to ring (an indicator of control issues).
ever assume you'll rescue a man from his insecurities or
self-loathing. If he doesn't feel worthy of admiration,
love and respect, you're not gonna change that for him--and he'll
think something's wrong with you, for trying! I never actually spoke
with Mr. Spago, but left him an office voicemail, saying
that this wasn't a fit for me, and I didn't care to pursue it. True
to Borderline nature, all his later messages were sorrowful, manipulative,
diminishing and shaming. I did not respond. And yes, I'd dodged
man who can't/won't give you direct access, is either trying to
hide that he's already involved/married--or ashamed of his job.
Mr. Spago's excuse for not giving me his cell phone #,
was that his "clients" would be disturbed by these calls
while he was working--but he seemed fine with leaving his pager
number (eventually). Yeah, like I'm a moron--who hasn't any clue
about the vibration features on each. All I'm saying, is stay
alert. If something seems like
it makes no sense or it's kinda nuts--trust that it is.
also holds true for guys who try to put the ball in your
court for contact, or making plans. If he gets you
to be The Pursuer (and play the man's role), he's off the
hook for any future responsibility, if/when it doesn't work out;
after all dear lady, You came after him! Continue searching
for a Man whose testicles are bigger than yours.
guy who doesn't at least ask for your number before he
offers his, is afraid of rejection, insecure or simply not
interested. He might reference this, as being sensitive
to/considerate of your privacy--but it's a ruse. When he just hands
you his business card or writes his phone on a cocktail napkin,
toss it into the trash on your way out of the joint. You'll be chasing
a boy, and this Fairytale has no happy
names in this piece have been changed to protect the guilty. If
you're a male who has spent time in my life, and you recognize yourself
within the body of this material, I sincerely thank you for your
unwitting contribution to this work. It's my hope that
it may light your path toward healing.
you have an iPhone, iPad or iPod this app will let you hear
this material; http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/web-reader-text-to-speech/id320808874?mt=8
here, to determine if you're in an abusive relationship!
MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME??
WE MET BEFORE? The Borderline/Narcissist Couple
HAPPINESS~ THE PATH TO FULL RECOVERY AND JOY
has linked to this article under their "top websites"
on the topic of Borderline Men.
of you have requested that I write about the male borderline, so
I've finally succumbed to peer pressure (which is rarer
than a full solar eclipse). My romantic exposure to full-blown borderlines
has thankfully been limited. I have dated several Narcissists
for about three minutes who had BPD traits, but I've side-stepped
the rest. I think the real trick is, when it begins to
feel weird or wacky, it's a warning of
what's to follow, so get out while you can. These difficulties do
not get better "with time"--in fact, they get
a whole lot worse! You might benefit from my articles on borderline
females; change the gender, and you may relate to much
of that material.